Hi, I’m Rachel, and I’m addicted to true crime.

I know I’m like 6 years late to this party, but I am here now with bells on, so giddy up!

I’m just obsessed. I haven’t stopped listening to this “My Favorite Murder” podcast that a stranger told me about a few weeks ago (is it possible she wants to murder me?) and all I want to watch are murder documentaries and (for balance) The Office.

Like, there are human beings out there capable of murdering other human beings and feeling no remorse. How is this possible?! Fascinating. I hope all murderers are signed up to have their minds donated to science. It’s made me like super paranoid, though. More so than usual. Remember, I’m the girl who made her mom leave a movie theatre several years ago because there was a guy by himself with a backpack. I was not about to die watching The Place Beyond the Pines. Now, my default setting is just to assume everyone is out to murder me. I’m at yoga – oh, someone is going to bust up in here and definitely murder me while I’m in a down dog. I’m in the grocery store – k, everyone in here wants to murder me, can I roll over the deli section and use a carving knife as a weapon? We were out the other night and there was a young guy sitting by himself at the bar looking all melancholy. I looked at Garr and was like, k, we are outtie.

Can’t tell if the paranoia is rooted in true crime fascination or general self-centeredness.

 

Time: 30 minutes (prep + cooking if using canned chickpeas); Overnight soaking + 1 hour (prep + cooking if using fresh chickpeas) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

• 2 cups of cooked chickpeas (I used fresh, feel free to use a can or two!)
• 1 rib of celery, chopped
• 1 head of broccoli, cut into florets
• 1/2 a red onion, diced
• 1 1/2 cups of red + green grapes, halved
• 1/2 cup of vegan cream cheese
• 1/2 cup of pecans, toasted + chopped
• 4 green onions, diced
• 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
• S+P, to taste
• Toast, for serving

How to:

• To a pot of salted, boiling water, add broccoli, cook 3 minutes, drain + plunge into ice bath
• In a large bowl, combine chickpeas + vegan cream cheese + crushed red pepper + S+P, set aside for a few minutes
• In another bowl, add drained broccoli + onion + celery + green onion + S+P
• Now add your broccoli bowl to your chickpea bowl
• Fold in grapes + pecans, more S+P
• Refrigerate for a bit, serve chilled or room temp with some toast or crackers or eat like a lil salad
• Grab giant handful, walk into crowded cafeteria, scream “food fight” and launch at youngins