I am a Real Housewife of middle-class, suburban North Carolina.

Thanks, in part, to the bougie weekend I just had.

I was in Florida for a bachelorette party and I felt like I was living the life of the rich and the famous.

We were in a super dope house in a ritzy neighborhood and there was this mega-ginormous pool with this crazy water fountain like out of that pivotal scene in Clueless. Then a party bus came to pick us up and cart us around all evening. I don’t know much about their salaries, but my guess is that party bus drivers are grossly underpaid. They have to drive dozens of screaming girls around into the wee hours of the night without any sort of libation to ease the headache. They have to listen to someone else’s blaring music (there was a lot of O-Town and Leann Rhimes’ version of “The Rose”) without saying a peep. These guys are saints! Saturday we had a PRIVATE SUSHI CHEF come to the house and cook for us all night. The spread he made! I sat back, eating my 18th piece of a vegan roll topped with lemon zest, just taking it all in and realized, “I am meant to be wealthy and do this all the time.”

And that is how I became inspired to ask Garrett to consider taking a second job.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: a big ole tub of salsa

Ingredients:

• 1 lb. of tomatillos, rinsed + quartered
• 1 kiwi, peeled + sliced thin
• 1/2 red onion, diced
• 1 jalapeno, diced
• 1/2 cup of cilantro, chopped
• Juice of 1 lime
• Pinch of sugar
• S+P, to taste
• 1 tbsp. of olive oil
• Chips for serving

How to:

• Preheat oven’s broiler
• Arrange tomatillos on a baking sheet + drizzle with olive oil
• Broil for 10-15 minutes, checking every two to three to make sure they aren’t browning too quickly, remove once browned to your desire
• While tomatillos cool, place kiwi + onion + jalapeno + cilantro + lime + sugar + some S+P in a food processor, pulse until combined but still chunky
• Add tomatillos + puree again until it’s the consistency you desire, adjust seasoning to taste
• Chill for a couple of hours
• Serve chilled or room temp with chips
• Dunk face into salsa + let kiwi + tomatillo nutrients nourish your crackling skin

 

Adapted from here!