An army of cats is trying to kill me.

Specifically, they are trying to break into my home, claw me to death & binge on my lifeless carcass.

It’s the only reasonable explanation for why THEY ARE ALL OVER MY PROPERTY. (I sound like a 95-year-old grandpa when I use the word property)

It’s a Tuesday, I’m working at my kitchen table like I do, staring into my peaceful, pine tree-lined backyard, when all of a sudden a slinky black cat appears on my porch. As a rule, I do not trust cats. I can never tell what they are thinking, what their motives are. They have a menacing hunch and glow in the dark eyes. Not kewl. This bro was no different. He started rubbing himself against the backdoor, whining for me to let him in. Not happening, sir. He comes back the next day, same story. Except this time he lingers. I let Topanga out to do her business, thinking she’ll scare the feline. No luck, of course Topanga is afraid of HIM. Day after that, bro brings a friend. Apparently, my porch is the happening place to be. Day 4, more reinforcements. A third cat arrives. This time, they use my house as a playground, just hanging on the rail while the original dude hops up on the roof, peering down at me through planning his attack.

In a shocking turn of events, the ring leader showed up yesterday in a pink, floral collar so he’s obviously trying to woo me with fashion.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 cups of red lentils
• 1 white onion, diced
• 1 honey crisp apple, shredded on a grater
• 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
• 1 tbsp. of ground ginger
• 1 can of coconut milk
• Juice of 1 lime
• 1 tsp. of cayenne pepper
• 1 tsp. of cumin
• 1/2 tsp. of turmeric
• 2 tbsp. of olive oil
• S+P, to taste
• Cilantro, for serving
• Plain almond milk yogurt, for serving

How to:

• Heat oil in a large stock pot over medium heat
• Add cayenne pepper + cumin + turmeric, cook for 1-2 minutes
• Add onion + S+P, cook for 3-4 minutes
• Add garlic + ginger, cook another minute
• Add apple + lentils, stir to coat + cook 2 minutes
• Add coconut milk + 2 1/2 cups of water, bring to a boil, reduce heat + simmer for 25 minutes
• Stir in lime juice  + some S+P
• Serve warm with cilantro + yogurt
• Pour into a sippy cup + suckle on dal until belly is that of a chubby toddler

 

Recipe from here!