Tomatillo + Kiwi Salsa

fullsizeoutput_940

I am a Real Housewife of middle-class, suburban North Carolina.

fullsizeoutput_95c

Thanks, in part, to the bougie weekend I just had.

fullsizeoutput_952

I was in Florida for a bachelorette party and I felt like I was living the life of the rich and the famous.

fullsizeoutput_941

We were in a super dope house in a ritzy neighborhood and there was this mega-ginormous pool with this crazy water fountain like out of that pivotal scene in Clueless. Then a party bus came to pick us up and cart us around all evening. I don’t know much about their salaries, but my guess is that party bus drivers are grossly underpaid. They have to drive dozens of screaming girls around into the wee hours of the night without any sort of libation to ease the headache. They have to listen to someone else’s blaring music (there was a lot of O-Town and Leann Rhimes’ version of “The Rose”) without saying a peep. These guys are saints! Saturday we had a PRIVATE SUSHI CHEF come to the house and cook for us all night. The spread he made! I sat back, eating my 18th piece of a vegan roll topped with lemon zest, just taking it all in and realized, “I am meant to be wealthy and do this all the time.”

fullsizeoutput_93a

And that is how I became inspired to ask Garrett to consider taking a second job.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: a big ole tub of salsa

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. of tomatillos, rinsed + quartered
  • 1 kiwi, peeled + sliced thin
  • 1/2 red onion, diced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1/2 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • Pinch of sugar
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Chips for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven’s broiler
  • Arrange tomatillos on a baking sheet + drizzle with olive oil
  • Broil for 10-15 minutes, checking every two to three to make sure they aren’t browning too quickly, remove once browned to your desire
  • While tomatillos cool, place kiwi + onion + jalapeno + cilantro + lime + sugar + some S+P in a food processor, pulse until combined but still chunky
  • Add tomatillos + puree again until it’s the consistency you desire, adjust seasoning to taste
  • Chill for a couple of hours
  • Serve chilled or room temp with chips
  • Dunk face into salsa + let kiwi + tomatillo nutrients nourish your crackling skin

 

Adapted from here!

Buffalo Chickpea Burritos

fullsizeoutput_929

What kind of backwoods, boonies town do I live in that we just got recycling cans like yesterday??

fullsizeoutput_918

For months, my plastics and cardboard have gone into the TRASH.

fullsizeoutput_8b5

The deforestation and pollution I must have caused. I shudder!

fullsizeoutput_921

To make up for the many trees I undoubtedly destroyed, I decided to take a couple of proactive measures. First, I purchased a reusable straw. These are very in right now. It came in a stylish lil pink container with an easy cleaning tool! I used it like 4 times and every time I whipped it out I felt like an environmental crusader, just doing my part one sip at a time. Then I left it at a restaurant, obviously. To compensate, I offered to take the recyclables home after volunteering at church on Sunday. We’re leaving and I throw a giant trash bag full of milk cartons over my shoulder. Garr stops in his tracks and is like, “What are you doing….?” I explained and he is all, no, nope, not happening, we are not starting this. Apparently, he thinks taking recyclables from church might be a gateway drug. Like, eventually I’ll start calling random restaurants and offering to pick up their salvageable materials.

fullsizeoutput_922

Ha! He’s funny. I’m not ready for that, I’m still working on my spreadsheet of local shops that don’t recycle.

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-5

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups of cooked chickpeas
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 roma tomato, diced
  • 1 cup of carrots, shredded
  • 1/2 cup of cabbage, shredded
  • 1 avocado, diced
  • 1 cup of buffalo sauce
  • 1 tsp. of onion powder
  • 1 tsp of garlic powder
  • 1 tsp. of smoked paprika
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of chili powder
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Tortillas, for serving

How to:

  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook for 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add chickpeas + onion powder + garlic powder + paprika + cumin + chili powder + S+P, cook 4-5 minutes or until starting to crisp
  • Add buffalo sauce, coat + cook another 2 minutes
  • To serve, lay out a warmed up tortilla on a flat surface, top with chickpeas + tomato + carrots + cabbage + avocado
  • Roll up, folding the sides in as you go, until you have a nice lil burrito baby
  • Repeat with remaining ingredients
  • Hold burrito in both hands, length wise, and nibble on it like a corn on the cob, terrifying all your pals

Buttnernut Squash + Beet Pizza

fullsizeoutput_8ae

My husband just asked what is the difference between the Oscars and the Academy Awards.

fullsizeoutput_8a1

How did I end up with him, honestly?

fullsizeoutput_8a3

It was another successful Oscar Sunday in my household. Snacks were served, a guessing game was played, an exclusive performance by muah of the entire A Star Is Born soundtrack was witnessed.

fullsizeoutput_8a2

Speaking of, will I ever recover from the Gaga/B Coop performance? My dreams for the last three nights tell me no. When they came back from commercial and the camera is filming the audience as the stage hands set up the piano and you hear the opening chords, I was all wait, what, what is happening, what is going on?!? Then, they rise from their seats like friggin PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES and walk hand in hand on stage, I truly almost fainted. I was not mentally prepared. Then they opened their mouths and started singing and my blood began to boil in a positive way. Like, I started to sweat and get light headed. Bradley was obviously nervous and Gaga just calmed his nerves via the secret brain waves they share. When he started walking towards her, again, I had to force myself not to pass out. He sits, puts his arm around her & I had to fight back tears. I cannot remember when I’ve been subjected to that much passion on live TV. They finish the song, pause, look at each other, and in that intimate moment, I just began to scream. Kiss her. Kiss her! KISS HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fullsizeoutput_8aa

The friends I had over for a watch party are no longer speaking to me, but they’re probably just really busy.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 1 pizza

Ingredients:

For dough, if making homemade –

  • 3 cups of all-purpose flour
  • 2 1/2 ounces of active dry yeast, activated
  • 1 tsp. of S
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil

For toppings –

  • 1 butternut squash, peeled + cubed
  • 3-4 baby beets, peeled + sliced thin
  • 1 onion, sliced thin
  • 1 can of cannellini beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1/2 cup of spinach, chopped
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, taste
  • 3 tbsp. of olive oil

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • In a large bowl, combine flour + activated yeast + S
  • Mix in a cup of warm water + the olive oil + knead until it forms a dough ball
  • Let sit for 15 minutes
  • Roll out onto a floured surface + place on an oiled pizza stone or cookie sheet
  • Bake 10-15 minutes or crisp to your desire
  • Meanwhile, arrange butternut squash on lined baking sheet + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P
  • Roast 20-25 minutes, tossing once
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 7-8 minutes or until caramelized to your desire
  • Stir in beans + S+P, cook 1-2 minutes, turn off heat
  • Process butternut squash in a food processor with garlic + remaining olive oil
  • To assemble pizza, spread butternut squash puree on cooked pizza dough + top with onion/bean mix + sliced beets
  • Cook another 10 minutes
  • Top with fresh spinach, serve warm
  • Take leftover beet slices to the local park + use as mini frisbees with pals

 

Dough from here!