Tomatillo + Kiwi Salsa

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I am a Real Housewife of middle-class, suburban North Carolina.

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Thanks, in part, to the bougie weekend I just had.

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I was in Florida for a bachelorette party and I felt like I was living the life of the rich and the famous.

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We were in a super dope house in a ritzy neighborhood and there was this mega-ginormous pool with this crazy water fountain like out of that pivotal scene in Clueless. Then a party bus came to pick us up and cart us around all evening. I don’t know much about their salaries, but my guess is that party bus drivers are grossly underpaid. They have to drive dozens of screaming girls around into the wee hours of the night without any sort of libation to ease the headache. They have to listen to someone else’s blaring music (there was a lot of O-Town and Leann Rhimes’ version of “The Rose”) without saying a peep. These guys are saints! Saturday we had a PRIVATE SUSHI CHEF come to the house and cook for us all night. The spread he made! I sat back, eating my 18th piece of a vegan roll topped with lemon zest, just taking it all in and realized, “I am meant to be wealthy and do this all the time.”

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And that is how I became inspired to ask Garrett to consider taking a second job.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: a big ole tub of salsa

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. of tomatillos, rinsed + quartered
  • 1 kiwi, peeled + sliced thin
  • 1/2 red onion, diced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1/2 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • Pinch of sugar
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Chips for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven’s broiler
  • Arrange tomatillos on a baking sheet + drizzle with olive oil
  • Broil for 10-15 minutes, checking every two to three to make sure they aren’t browning too quickly, remove once browned to your desire
  • While tomatillos cool, place kiwi + onion + jalapeno + cilantro + lime + sugar + some S+P in a food processor, pulse until combined but still chunky
  • Add tomatillos + puree again until it’s the consistency you desire, adjust seasoning to taste
  • Chill for a couple of hours
  • Serve chilled or room temp with chips
  • Dunk face into salsa + let kiwi + tomatillo nutrients nourish your crackling skin

 

Adapted from here!

Bruschetta – Classic, Cannellini + Avocado, Roasted Corn + Poblano

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I had quite a productive Memorial Day weekend, if I do say so myself.

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I stayed indoors for 72 hours and discovered my one, true talent.

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Scrabble. I was born to play Scrabble.

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Like, I am soooooooo good at this game. At least 8 games of Scrabble were played and I am the undefeated, grand champion of the world and also of my family. I was snagging those triple word scores like it was going out of style!! 20 points here, 30 points there. My opening word in game three was “zinc” with like 42 points and it really solidified that this is my calling. Let’s break it down – it typically takes place in the comfort of a home, wine can be had while playing, and minimal human interaction is necessary (“quiet, please, I’m focusing!!!!”). Scrabble is me!

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There were also about 14 rounds of Yahtzee played, but that game is for big, dumb imbeciles and I am boycotting indefinitely.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 16-20 lil bruschettas

Ingredients:

  • 1 loaf of whole grain bread, toasted

Classic:

  • 1 cup of red cherry tomatoes, halved
  • 1 cup of yellow cherry tomatoes, halved
  • 1/2 cup of fresh basil, chiffonaded
  • 1 tbsp. of balsamic vinegar
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste

Cannellini + Avocado:

  • 1 can of cannellini beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 avocado, chopped
  • 2 roma tomatoes, chopped
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1/4 cup of fresh basil, chopped
  • S+P, to taste

Roasted Corn + Poblano:

  • 1 ear of corn, out of the husk + silk removed
  • 1 poblano pepper
  • 1 can of black beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 onion, sliced thin
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 serrano pepper, minced
  • 1/4 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

Classic:

  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add garlic, cook 1 minute
  • Add oil + garlic to a bowl
  • Add tomatoes + balsamic vinegar, toss to coat
  • Add basil + S+P, toss, refrigerate until ready to serve on toasted bread

Cannellini + Avocado:

  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add garlic, cook 1 minute
  • Add cannellini beans + S+P, cook 4-5 minutes
  • Add to a bowl with tomatoes + basil, toss + let cool slightly
  • Add avocado + basil + S+P, refrigerate until ready to serve on toasted bread

Roasted Corn + Poblano:

  • Roast your corn + poblano either on a grill or a gas stove burner, turning often to avoid burning – about 4-5 minutes for each
  • Once cooled, remove top + skin of poblano, roughly chop + add to a bowl
  • Remove corn kernels + add to a bowl
  • Meanwhile, heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook for 7-8 minutes or until caramelized to your desire, add to corn + poblano
  • Add serrano + cilantro + some more S, serve warm on toasted bread

 

  • Be like me + mix a lil bit of each together + put in mouth + be a happy lil clam

Avocado + Grapefruit Ceviche

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I miss MySpace.

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Are any of my readers hackers? I need to log in to my old account. I’ll only need your services this one time and your secret will be safe with me.

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The photos on this long-ago deactivated MySpace page are so incredibly embarrassing, I’d give a limb to show them to my husband and show him how well I’ve aged. Think colorful braces and flat-iron damaged hair.

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Really I just miss a social media platform that let me customize my page with a song. Do you remember the PRESSURE of choosing your MySpace song?! If you were anything like me (sad, not many friends), this was a do-or-die situation. It had to be just right! Both representative of my mood and by a band my crush liked. To achieve, I’d stalk my crush’s fave band page and find the most depressing song they had. Then, I would wait patiently and hope crush noticed and would say something like, “wow, Rach, what an obscure and deep song you have on your page by a band I thoroughly enjoy, would you like to go to the local Sonic and share a limeade?”

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I think this had a 0% success rate, but I did develop a deep appreciation for My Chemical Romance.

 

 

Time: 20 minutes | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 2 avocados, diced
  • 1 grapefruit, skin removed + diced
  • 2 roma tomatoes, diced
  • 1 cup of cauliflower, cut into very small florets or riced
  • 1/2 red onion, diced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1/2 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • S+P, to taste
  • Chips for serving

 

How to:

  • Mix all ingredients in a bowl + sprinkle on plenty of S + a little P
  • Serve with tortilla chips
  • Try to beat my record of eating literally all of this in a three-hour span

 

Idea from here!

https://cookieandkate.com/2018/vegan-citrus-ceviche-recipe/