Coconut + Apple Dal

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An army of cats is trying to kill me.

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Specifically, they are trying to break into my home, claw me to death & binge on my lifeless carcass.

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It’s the only reasonable explanation for why THEY ARE ALL OVER MY PROPERTY. (I sound like a 95-year-old grandpa when I use the word property)

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It’s a Tuesday, I’m working at my kitchen table like I do, staring into my peaceful, pine tree-lined backyard, when all of a sudden a slinky black cat appears on my porch. As a rule, I do not trust cats. I can never tell what they are thinking, what their motives are. They have a menacing hunch and glow in the dark eyes. Not kewl. This bro was no different. He started rubbing himself against the backdoor, whining for me to let him in. Not happening, sir. He comes back the next day, same story. Except this time he lingers. I let Topanga out to do her business, thinking she’ll scare the feline. No luck, of course Topanga is afraid of HIM. Day after that, bro brings a friend. Apparently, my porch is the happening place to be. Day 4, more reinforcements. A third cat arrives. This time, they use my house as a playground, just hanging on the rail while the original dude hops up on the roof, peering down at me through planning his attack.

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In a shocking turn of events, the ring leader showed up yesterday in a pink, floral collar so he’s obviously trying to woo me with fashion.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 1/2 cups of red lentils
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 1 honey crisp apple, shredded on a grater
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of ground ginger
  • 1 can of coconut milk
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • 1 tsp. of cayenne pepper
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1/2 tsp. of turmeric
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro, for serving
  • Plain almond milk yogurt, for serving

How to:

  • Heat oil in a large stock pot over medium heat
  • Add cayenne pepper + cumin + turmeric, cook for 1-2 minutes
  • Add onion + S+P, cook for 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic + ginger, cook another minute
  • Add apple + lentils, stir to coat + cook 2 minutes
  • Add coconut milk + 2 1/2 cups of water, bring to a boil, reduce heat + simmer for 25 minutes
  • Stir in lime juice  + some S+P
  • Serve warm with cilantro + yogurt
  • Pour into a sippy cup + suckle on dal until belly is that of a chubby toddler

 

Recipe from here!

 

Barley + Brussels Bowls

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I don’t consider myself super vain.

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Just, like, a normal amount of vain.

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So this afternoon, when I discovered a glistening gray hair atop my head, my meltdown was only like an 8/10.

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I’m only 27, I have barely even lived! I simply don’t have the required wisdom to rock the salt and pepper look. I only recently came to grips with the mousy brown ‘do I’ve sported my entire life, it’s too soon for a change! I’m always in awe of women who rock their gray – they are always so gorgeous and confident and I idealize them. I want to be them one day. That day is just not today. I’m also not really interested in dying my hair. Can I dye a single strand? It legit looks like a silver Christmas tassle dangling from my noggin. I just don’t know what could have caused this. My diet and exercise haven’t changed and I have been in a perpetual state of crippling anxiety for 10 years now, so I can’t blame it on an increase in stress. Perhaps it’s time I come to grips with my mortality and embrace my old age.

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Specifically, I look most forward to finally receiving the early bird specials at my favorite chain restaurants.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup of barley
  • 1 lb. of brussels sprouts, trimmed + halved
  • 1 honey crisp apple, peeled + cut in small chunks
  • 2 shallots, sliced thin
  • 1 cup of edamame, cooked
  • 1/4 cup of pumpkin seeds, toasted
  • 1/4 cup of dried cranberries
  • 1 tbsp. of agave
  • 1 tsp. of smoked paprika
  • 1/4 cup of balsamic vinegar
  • S+P, to taste
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Cook barley according to package directions
  • Arrange brussels sprouts on a lined baking sheet + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + sprinkle with S+P, bake for 15 minutes, remove from oven, toss with agave + bake another 10 minutes
  • Arrange apple + shallots on another lined baking sheet + drizzle with remaining olive oil + smoked paprika + S+P, bake 15 minutes, tossing once in the middle
  • Meanwhile, reduce vinegar in a lil sauce pan
  • To serve, combine barley + brussels + apples + shallots + edamame + pumpkin seeds + cranberries + stir with balsamic vinegar
  • Serve warm or room temp
  • Put baggiest sweater on + swaddle self in scarf, pour mug of hot tea + sit by a roaring fire with your sweetie, tossing brussels into one another’s pie holes

Apple + Arugula + Bacon Pizza

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Fruit is my least favorite of the foods. They are bitter, cold, and impossible to get full from.

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Like, for the hell of it, I bought some grapes a couple of weeks ago. They sat in the fridge & grew something green. I just can’t do it.

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I like orange juice? Does that count?

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I can also stand them covered in cheese & bacon. I could probably stand a sock covered in cheese & bacon, though.

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Make this pizza & get your fruit intake for the week.

Time: 35 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4 (Makes 2 pizzas)

Ingredients:

  • 2 pizza doughs
  • 1 granny smith apple, thinly sliced
  • 1 onion, thinly sliced
  • 1 cup of packed arugula
  • 8-10 slices of bacon, cut in chunks
  • 8-10 ounces of mozzarella cheese
  • 1 tbsp. of lemon juice
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  • Heat a tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onions + S+P to the skillet and let caramelize, about 15-20 minutes
  • In a cast iron skillet, heat the other tbsp. of olive oil over medium-high heat
  • Add bacon and cook to desired crispness
  • Put pizza dough on a greased cookie sheet and add half of the apple slices + onion + arugula + lemon juice + S+P + bacon + mozzarella (in that order)
  • Bake for 8-10 minutes or until cheese is melted and crust is golden brown
  • Repeat with other pizza dough
  • YUM