Black Bean Tostadas

I stripped Garrett’s workout clothes this weekend.

I can’t even begin to describe the satisfaction and disgust.

I discovered this cleaning instagram account a few months ago and it has really just made me feel like a dirty, garbage person. Like, I’ll never be able to keep my house as clean as this woman does hers.

But I had to start somewhere! This clothes stripping is supposed to get trapped dirt & filth out of CLEAN clothes. Like, clothes you wash & dry & think are good to go. Garrett is arguably the sweatiest man on planet earth, so I knew this would be a fun experiment. We added his workout shorts & tees to a tub with hot water & the magic cleaning potion & let them sit for 5 hours. The water was slick BROWN. I mean, pure dirt water. It was amazing.

Even Garrett was impressed and now we are stripping everything we ever touched.

Time: 40 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-5

Ingredients:

  • 2 cans of black beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1/2 a red onion, diced
  • 1 green bell pepper, diced
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • 1 tsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tsp. of paprilka
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1/4 tsp. of cayenne pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Corn tortillas
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Arugula, for serving
  • Red onion slices for serving
  • Avocado, for serving
  • Cilantro, for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 350
  • In a saucepan, add beans + onion + pepper + spices over medium-low heat
  • Add a cup of water + lime juice + stir
  • Simmer for 15 minutes
  • Arrange tortillas a lined baking sheet + drizzle with some olive olive oil
  • Bake for 5-7 minutes or until crisp to your desire
  • To serve, top a tortilla with some beans + arugula + red onion + avocado + cilantro
  • Pick one up with your grubby hands + just go for it

Adapted from here!

Homemade Black Beans + Rice

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Well, Topanga’s birthday party was a SMASHING success.

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No, literally, she smashed her pupcake and promptly fell asleep in her party dress.

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The real MVP of the party was Garrett, though.

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He spent two hours blowing up hot pink balloons and hanging doggy decorations. And he only complained like 2 times! It was all worth it, though. I’m sorry, I couldn’t NOT buy rose gold balloons that spelled “LETS PAWTY,” ya know? Then, Garr grilled all the meats and served dinner to our guests. He sat through SEVERAL rounds of What Do You Meme? and Catchphrase. If you didn’t know, Garr is a BIG game guy. NAHT. Then, I was feeling extra lazy and just wanted to lounge on the couch and gab with my pals, and that boy cleaned up the whole daggum kitchen, dishes and all. He’s basically my very own, perfect yenta.

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AND he brings home the bacon, best of both worlds!

 

 

Time: 3 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 lb. of black beans, soaked overnight + drained
  • 1 white onion, chopped
  • 1/2 a green bell pepper, chopped
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp. of oregano
  • 1 tbsp. of cumin
  • 1 tbsp.
  • 1 28oz. can of whole, peeled tomatoes
  • 1 1/2 cups basmati rice
  • 2 cups of vegetable broth
  • 2 limes
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro, for serving

How to:

  • In a large stock pot, bring beans + 1/2 the onion + all the green pepper + 1 tbsp. of garlic + oregano + 1/2 the cumin + S+P + 4-6 cups of water, enough to cover everything, to a boil
  • Reduce heat, cover + cook for 2 hours, stirring often, until tender. Add more water as necessary to keep the beans covered
  • Meanwhile, place tomatoes + remaining onion in a food processor + blend until smooth
  • Transfer to a sauce pan + add broth + remaining cumin + S+P, bring to a boil
  • Meanwhile, heat olive oil in a bigger sauce pan over medium heat
  • Add rice + toast, stirring for about 5 minutes
  • Add remaining garlic + cook another minute
  • Pour boiling tomato mixture into rice pan, stir + cook until rice is tender, 30-40 minutes
  • When both rice + beans are tender, add the juice of a lime to each + some cilantro
  • To serve, put some rice in a bowl + top with beans, sprinkle with more cilantro + serve with lime wedges
  • Go to town on it + get ready for some mega toots tonight!

 

Adapted from here & here!

Black Bean + Plantain Polenta Stacks

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Moments ago, I learned something incredibly disturbing.

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I warn you, this is going to be graphic.

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There are apparently people in America who only eat meat.

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I mean, ONLY eat meat. BY CHOICE! Not lack of resources. No fruits, no veggies, no grains. Just……meat. Can you imagine what their insides look like?!?! I imagine everything just covered in tar. Their poor guts and heart! Some of them even use skin and body care products made of…..meat. Like beef moisturizers. Have you ever heard of anything more grotesque???? I know this sounds like I’m judging these folks. I don’t mean to, I’m just genuinely shocked. They rub beef on themselves!!!! Maybe there’s something to it, I don’t know. I just want to stick with my Cetaphil face wash, OK?

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Wait, do people say the same things about me since I DON’T eat meat??!!?!

 

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 cylindrical package of polenta, sliced into thin rounds
  • 2 ripe plantains, peeled + chopped into 1/2 inch thick rounds
  • 1 onion, sliced thin
  • 1 can of black beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 lime
  • 5 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of chili powder
  • S+P, to taste
  • Jalapeno, sliced thin, for serving
  • Red cabbage, sliced thin, for serving
  • Cilantro, for serving

How to:

  • Heat 1 tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cover + cook 8-10 minutes, stirring occasionally until caramelized
  • Remove from the pan + set aside
  • Heat another tbsp. of olive oil to the pan + place half of your polenta rounds, cook 3-4 minutes on each side until crisp, cook remaining polenta using another tbsp. of olive oil if needed
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of oil in another large skillet over medium heat + place half of your plantains, cooking 2-3 minutes on each side or until caramelized to your desire, cook remaining plantains using another tbsp. of olive oil
  • Meanwhile, heat black beans in a pot over medium heat
  • Add cumin + chili powder + half the lime juice + S+P, cook 5-7 minutes
  • To assemble, place some polenta on a plate + top with beans + onion + plantains + some jalapeno + cabbage + cilantro + serve with a sauce of your choosing
  • Eating these lil mini stacks, pretend like you’re a dainty + delicate flower and not the greedy lil food monster you are