Broccoli Cheddah Soup

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I’m up to 2.5 packs a day.

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Of gum. I need an intervention.

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I don’t know where I went wrong. I mean, I’ve always loved gum. Who doesn’t? It’s chewy and tasty and fun to play with and you can make bubbles and it keeps your mouth moist and your breath fresh.

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Sometime in the last 6 months, I’ve stopped just like picking up a pack at the checkout counter when the nice displays remind me. I started adding it to my weekly grocery list. Then, I started grabbing a couple of 3-packs at a time, so as not to run out. I began to chew more because I had more. Half a pack a day turned into a whole pack, a whole pack turned into 2, and here we are. Drowning in gum debt. The first 90 seconds with a piece of gum are just pure ecstasy. I go through the gum so fast because I’m trying to achieve ultimate nirvana by having any one piece provide the utter delight I’m after for more than 90 seconds. Yes, I sound like a drug addict. Yes, I’m ashamed. Lately, I’ve been having these terrible stomach aches. Like, I haven’t eaten anything weird(er than usual), but all of a sudden my stomach balloons & is hard as a friggin’ rock. I’ve had to leave three restaurants with my pants unbuttoned now and soon I’ll be banned from eating out in this town. Well, PLOT TWIST, gum causes bloating! Especially when you binge chew two packs in 1.5 hours like I do. Wooo. So now I have to cut back. Detox. Whatever.

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It’s already having positive effects, though, like this jaw pain I’d been feeling suddenly disappeared, huh, who woulda thunk it?

 

 

Time: 1.5 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 5 heads of broccoli, cut into florets
  • 1 white onion, chopped
  • 1 large carrot, peeled + chopped
  • 2 celery ribs, diced
  • 1 medium russet potato, chopped
  • 4 cups of vegetable stock
  • 2 tbsp. of plain nondairy milk
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1/2 cup of cashews, soaked overnight or at least 30 minutes + drained
  • 2 tbsp. of nutritional yeast
  • 2 tsp. of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 tbsp. of lemon juice
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • 1 can of chickpeas, rinsed + drained
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Arrange broccoli on 2 lined baking sheets
  • Drizzle each sheet with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast 25 minutes, tossing once
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a large stock pot over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add carrots + celery, cook 2-3 minutes
  • Add potato + S+P, cook 5-6 minutes
  • Meanwhile, pulse cashews in a food processor until fine
  • Add milk + nutritional yeast + apple cider vinegar +  1/2 the veggie mix to the food processor + combine until smooth
  • Add back to the pot + add most of the broccoli, reserving a lil to top soups, stir to combine
  • Add broth, bring to a boil, reduce the heat + let simmer 25-30 minutes
  • Meanwhile arrange chickpeas on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with the remaining olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast for 20 minutes
  • Remove the soup from the heat + using an immersion blender (or blender), blend your soup allllll up until smooth to your desire
  • Add lemon juice + crushed red pepper + some S+P
  • Serve hot with roasted broccoli + chickpeas
  • Take the reusable straw I know your granola behind has + stick it in the soup + slurp to your heart’s delight

Roasted Red Pepper + Broccoli Risotto

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Christmas tree is up, stockings are hung and a dozen holiday-scented candles are lit. Christmas time is here!

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I love how the holiday season reminds us of what’s really important.

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Like my uncanny resemblance to the Grinch.

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We relate on a really cerebral level, it’s just deep, man. Minus the anti-Christmas sentiments, we are practically twins. The secret language with our animals, the social anxiety, the love of raw onion, the motivation to publicly receive awards, it’s all there. Plus, I, too, have a standing 4 o’clock appointment to wallow in self-pity. I’m watching the movie now and he just said, “What if it’s a cruel prank? What if it’s a cash bar?” These are literally the only two things that cross my mind when I’ve been invited to a party or event.

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Also, I can do a near-perfect impersonation of the Grinch smile and it is a real crowd pleaser.

 

 

Time: 1 1/2 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup of arborio rice
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1/4 cup of dry white wine
  • 6 cups of vegetable stock
  • 3 red peppers, tops lopped off
  • 2 heads of broccoli, cut in florets
  • 3 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1/4 cup of nutritional yeast + more for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Arrange peppers on a lined baking sheet + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Arrange the broccoli florets on a lined baking sheet + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast veggies for 20 minutes, toss, roast another 10, remove broccoli, stir peppers again, cook until blackened on almost all sides
  • Meanwhile, heat remaining olive oil in a large stock pot over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add rice, stir to coat + toast for a minute
  • Turn down heat to low-med, add wine, stir + let rice absorb
  • Add stock, one ladle at a time, stirring constantly until each ladle full is absorbed, repeat until rice is tender, about 40 minutes
  • Once peppers are cool, remove skin + chop peppers up
  • Once rice is tender, add roasted veggies + nutritional yeast + crushed red pepper + some S+P
  • Serve warm with some extra nutritional yeast
  • Roll up leftovers into lil balls + hang from your tree for a lil extra pizazz this Christmas

Chili Lime Broccoli Steaks

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Pretty sure I live in an alternate universe.

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And/or a North Carolina suburb with really well-behaved, respectful children. Either or.

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Garrett & I were the kewl house on the block last night. Ya know, the kind that leave out the giant bowl full of name-brand candy with no passive aggressive sign saying to please only take two pieces.

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We’re jazzed, man. Some little kid is going to have the Halloween of his life because he can take this bowl and dump it directly into his pillow sack and brag to all his friends that he got 89 mini Snickers from the kewl couple down the street. Garr and I go out and enjoy an evening with pals. We get home prepared to find an empty bowl, maybe catch a glimpse of a stray toddler dressed as a little cowboy, I don’t know. The bowl is UNTOUCHED. Not a single grubby mitt has been placed upon these Skittles. How can this be? We left the light on and everything! The front porch was decorated with pumpkins and mums! Mums, I tell you!!!! It’s an inviting porch! I was devastated. Questioning every decision. The Starburst were too wild, weren’t they??

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Now we are stuck with all of this candy and cannot decide whether to pitch it or throw it at passing cars.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4 lil steaks

Ingredients:

  • 2 heads of broccoli, carefully halved
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • 2 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1/2 tsp. of cayenne pepper
  • 1/2 tsp. of garlic powder
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tsp. of nutritional yeast
  • 1 shallot, sliced thin
  • 1 cup of cooked quinoa, for serving
  • Green onion, for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 450 degrees
  • Arrange broccoli on lined baking sheet
  • Spray broccoli all over with cooking spray
  • Combine chili powder + cumin + cayenne pepper + garlic powder + S+P in a lil bowl
  • Rub all over the broccoli
  • Roast for 15 minutes
  • Flip steaks, roast another 10 minutes
  • Fresh out the oven, hit ’em with that lime juice + nutritional yeast
  • Serve hot with shallots + quinoa + green onion
  • Tell sweetie you’re having steaks for dinner, then serve him this + see if he still loves you