I’m up to 2.5 packs a day.
Of gum. I need an intervention.
I don’t know where I went wrong. I mean, I’ve always loved gum. Who doesn’t? It’s chewy and tasty and fun to play with and you can make bubbles and it keeps your mouth moist and your breath fresh.
Sometime in the last 6 months, I’ve stopped just like picking up a pack at the checkout counter when the nice displays remind me. I started adding it to my weekly grocery list. Then, I started grabbing a couple of 3-packs at a time, so as not to run out. I began to chew more because I had more. Half a pack a day turned into a whole pack, a whole pack turned into 2, and here we are. Drowning in gum debt. The first 90 seconds with a piece of gum are just pure ecstasy. I go through the gum so fast because I’m trying to achieve ultimate nirvana by having any one piece provide the utter delight I’m after for more than 90 seconds. Yes, I sound like a drug addict. Yes, I’m ashamed. Lately, I’ve been having these terrible stomach aches. Like, I haven’t eaten anything weird(er than usual), but all of a sudden my stomach balloons & is hard as a friggin’ rock. I’ve had to leave three restaurants with my pants unbuttoned now and soon I’ll be banned from eating out in this town. Well, PLOT TWIST, gum causes bloating! Especially when you binge chew two packs in 1.5 hours like I do. Wooo. So now I have to cut back. Detox. Whatever.
It’s already having positive effects, though, like this jaw pain I’d been feeling suddenly disappeared, huh, who woulda thunk it?
Time: 1.5 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6
- 5 heads of broccoli, cut into florets
- 1 white onion, chopped
- 1 large carrot, peeled + chopped
- 2 celery ribs, diced
- 1 medium russet potato, chopped
- 4 cups of vegetable stock
- 2 tbsp. of plain nondairy milk
- 4 tbsp. of olive oil
- 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
- 1/2 cup of cashews, soaked overnight or at least 30 minutes + drained
- 2 tbsp. of nutritional yeast
- 2 tsp. of apple cider vinegar
- 1 tbsp. of lemon juice
- 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
- 1 can of chickpeas, rinsed + drained
- S+P, to taste
- Preheat oven to 400 degrees
- Arrange broccoli on 2 lined baking sheets
- Drizzle each sheet with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
- Roast 25 minutes, tossing once
- Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a large stock pot over medium heat
- Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
- Add garlic, cook another minute
- Add carrots + celery, cook 2-3 minutes
- Add potato + S+P, cook 5-6 minutes
- Meanwhile, pulse cashews in a food processor until fine
- Add milk + nutritional yeast + apple cider vinegar + 1/2 the veggie mix to the food processor + combine until smooth
- Add back to the pot + add most of the broccoli, reserving a lil to top soups, stir to combine
- Add broth, bring to a boil, reduce the heat + let simmer 25-30 minutes
- Meanwhile arrange chickpeas on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with the remaining olive oil + some S+P
- Roast for 20 minutes
- Remove the soup from the heat + using an immersion blender (or blender), blend your soup allllll up until smooth to your desire
- Add lemon juice + crushed red pepper + some S+P
- Serve hot with roasted broccoli + chickpeas
- Take the reusable straw I know your granola behind has + stick it in the soup + slurp to your heart’s delight