Buffalo Chickpea Burgers

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I’ve had this thing for like 6 months. Occasionally, I feel like I can’t breath or swallow & I think I’m going to choke & die. It’s been fun, really.

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This weekend I had a dream that I was choking & I woke up literally choking. Let that sink in & tell me you would not FLIP YOUR LID. I would die & Topanga would probably eat my lifeless body before anyone found me. Moving on. So I made a doctor appointment. Enough is enough. Fix me, medical professionals.

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So I go in. He checks things out. Asks some questions. Looks down my throat & is all, “nope – nothing there.” & I’m like, “ok, ok, but listen to my lungs – I can’t BREATHE!” & he is all, “clear as a bell!” & I’m all, “…….k………………………”

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I get quiet for a minute & then it hits me. I suggest, “Perhaps I’m making it all up in my head.” & Doc is like, “Wow you are very introspective.” No, Doc, I just know I am clinically insane & I like having several problems at once & this just seemed to suit me for the last few months thanks for your time see you soon.

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He did, however, tell me I was thin & that makes my visit all worth while.

 

Time: 1.5 hours | Serves: 6 patties

  • 2 cans of chickpeas, drained + rinsed
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 1/2 cup of cooked brown rice or quinoa (brown rice used here)
  • 4 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1/2 cup of parmesan cheese, grated
  • 1/4 cup of panko breadcrumbs
  • 1 cup of buffalo sauce
  • Plenty of S+P
  • Toasted buns, for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • In a food processor, combine onion + chickpeas + S+P
  • Process on low until combined, 1-2 minutes
  • Add brown rice + garlic + 1/2 the buffalo sauce +  S+P, process 30 seconds, do not get it runny or liquidy or they wont make patties!
  • In a large bowl, add chickpea mix + parmesan + breadcrumbs + S+P
  • Form into patties + arrange on a lined baking sheet
  • Pour remaining buffalo sauce on top
  • Bake for 30 minutes, flipping once in the middle of cooking
  • Serve hot on a toasted bun with ranch or blue cheese or something else sissies use to calm the heat

Buffalo Quinoa Bites

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I get great pleasure out of getting people in the Pacific Northwest to talk about their opinions of the south.

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I’m pretty sure everyone up here thinks the south is one giant state. Like, “Oh you’re from Tennessee, I have a friend in Georgia.” K that’s nice. It’s not all the same, people. Like, don’t equate me with Mississippi just because of geographical proximity.

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They also envision tornadoes happening daily & tumbleweeds blowing by as we take our horse & buggy to work. The Wizard of Oz has really ruined society.

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Everyone is so bummed when they realize I don’t have much of an accent. “Oh wow you don’t even sound like it….” Sorry to disappoint you but I have other good qualities, I swear!

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Like making fiery hot balls of decadence.

 

Time: 40 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 12 bites

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup of quinoa, cooked
  • 1/4 cup of breadcrumbs
  • 1/4 cup of parmesan cheese, grated
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tsp. of hot sauce
  • 1 tsp. of garlic salt
  • 1 tsp. of onion salt
  • 1/2 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • 1 tsp. of cilantro, chopped
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1/3 cup of buffalo sauce

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  • In a bowl, combine cooled quinoa + breadcrumbs + cheese + egg + hot sauce + garlic salt + onion salt + red pepper + cilantro + S+P
  • Roll quinoa mixture into small, tight balls
  • Lay on a parchment paper-lined baking sheet
  • Drizzle with olive oil
  • Bake for 10 minutes
  • Remove from oven +  add half of the buffalo sauce
  • Return to oven + bake another 15 minutes
  • Remove from oven + add the rest of buffalo sauce
  • Serve on a plate of greens + with some sort of dipping sauce if you CAN’T HANDLE THE HEAT
  • Just rub these all over your face until it melts off

Idea came from here:

http://www.theironyou.com/2014/01/buffalo-quinoa-bites.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+theironyou/VraN+(The+Iron+You)

 

Buffalo Cauliflower Lettuce Wraps

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The Bachelor/Bachelorette series has been a constant source of comfort in my young adult years & I don’t plan to change my ways until there are 0 roses left on the planet.

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Honestly, what’s not to love? It’s romantic, reality, comedic GENIUS.

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I don’t know why it’s referred to as a guilty pleasure. It brings me infinite pleasure & I feel absolutely no guilt.

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If I wasn’t married, I think I could really excel on this show. AT LEAST make it to home towns. Not because I’m cute, I’d just make up some unique sob story forcing the producers to make him keep me around for as long as he could stand me.

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I also feel 0 guilt about these wraps because they’re so healthy it’s stupid.

 

Time: 50 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 6 lettuce wraps

Ingredients:

  • 1 head of cauliflower, cut in small florets
  • 6 hearts of romaine
  • 1 red onion, diced
  • 6-8 oz. of buffalo or wing sauce
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Cilantro, for serving
  • Feta, for serving
  • Avocado crema, for serving (recipe here)
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  • In a bowl, combine cauliflower + 2 tbsp. of buffalo sauce + olive oil + S+P
  • Lay cauliflower on a lined baking sheet + roast for 20 minutes
  • Remove cauliflower from oven + pour another 2-3 tbsp. of buffalo sauce on + roast for another 20 minutes
  • Remove from oven & add cauliflower back to the bowl, add remaining buffalo sauce
  • Add cauliflower to a romaine heart + add red onion + cilantro + feta + crema
  • Eat a sweet treat after cause this is effing healthy & you earned it