Vegan Sloppy Joes


I did it. I’ve taken the plunge.


I’ve done a swan dive into the deep blue sea that is finally binge watching Friends.


Why has it taken me this long, you ask? Oh, I don’t know. I’m just not big on conforming.


This isn’t true. I love rules and following order. 10 seasons of anything is just such a big commitment. Who has the time? Who can stand to see this exquisitely cast ensemble in timeless situations? Who wants to just be blissfully ignorant of the world’s turmoil for perfectly carved out 20 minute blocks of time? Well, everyone unless you are a space alien or someone with a really radical social life. It’s just such a darn good program, ya know? I always LOVED having the same name as Jennifer Aniston’s character. My dad used to tell me, “They gave the prettiest girl the prettiest name.” This gave me a complex for a long time, but man, did I love hearing it! And the CLOTHES! My mother dressed just like them in the 90s and I idolized her style. I wish it was still acceptable for women in their mid to late 20s to sport their bare midriff in any and every situation. How freeing.


It’s nice watching on Netflix because every like 3 episodes it judges me and asks if I’m still watching.


Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4


  • 1 can of kidney beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1/2 cup of lentils, cooked
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 green pepper, diced
  • 12 oz. can of tomato sauce
  • 6 oz. can of tomato paste
  • 2 tbsp. of soy sauce
  • 1 tbsp. of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tbsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of oregano
  • 1 tsp. of smoked paprika
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Buns for serving

How to:

  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add green pepper, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add tomato sauce + paste + soy sauce + apple cider vinegar + chili powder + cumin + oregano + paprika + red pepper + S+P, bring to a lil boil, turn down heat + simmer for 7-8 minutes
  • Add beans + lentils, cook another 3-4 minutes
  • Serve on toasted buns
  • Strap on your bib + pull that hair in your nastiest top knot + just smash your face in a large plate of this



Pinto + Lentil West Coast Burgers


Today was Garrett’s first day at his new job.


For the last two months, he was transitioning to his new role from home. Meaning, he’s been home with me every day for the last two months. Meaning, we’ve been around each other all day every day for the last two months. All day. Every day.


I love this meathead with all of my heart and lifeless soul, but do you know what it’s like to be around a human being that often? It’s not natural, I tell you!


Both of us working from home in a 1,400 square foot house is simply not ideal. We just have different styles. I like slow, acoustic jams for my background music and he prefers blaring hardcore trap songs. I like to read on my lunch break and he likes to have play time with Topanga and throw toys at my face. I like to be quiet and respectful while he is on the phone and he prefers to take out every pot and pan we own and bang them against each other while I am on calls. Needless to say, I anticipated this day with joy and ecstasy until about noon today when I desperately missed his mid-day giggles and toots.


To top it off, he gets all perfect and romantic on me and wakes ME up with breakfast in bed on HIS first day. I truly suck.



Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 6 burgers


  • 1 1/2 cups of green lentils, cooked
  • 1 can of pinto beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 medium white onion, diced
  • 1/3 cup of walnuts, chopped
  • 1/2 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tbsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of smoked paprika
  • 2 avocadoes
  • 2 roma tomatoes, diced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • S+P, to taste
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Buns, for serving

How to:

  • In a bowl, mash the avo + add some S+P, set aside
  • In another bowl, combine tomatoes + 1/4 cup of the onion + jalapeno + 1 tbsp. of cilantro + S+P, set aside
  • In a big bowl, combine lentils + pinto beans, combine well, mashing most of it
  • Add in walnuts + onion + remaining cilantro + garlic + chili powder + cumin + smoked paprika + S+P, combine well
  • Refrigerate for 20-30 minutes
  • Heat 1 tbsp. of oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Form mix into 6 patties, place 3 into skillet, cook 4-5 minutes, flip cook another 4 minutes
  • Remove from pan
  • Add remaining oil + cook remaining patties
  • Serve hot on buns with avocado + pico you made
  • If you serve on slider buns, it tricks your mind into thinking you can have more and then you will have a happier and bigger belly

Black Bean Burgers 2.0

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I am going to the beach tomorrow.

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I haven’t been on a vacation in three years. This is my time – my moment. New bikinis and over-priced hair products that are supposed to give me blonde beach waves have been purchased. I’ve been doing extra squats & ab workouts & some arm toning thing a ma bobbers. I’m READY.

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Then it hits me while I’m in Target buying matching sleep sets I don’t need: I must have Oreos or I will perish. I find myself at a crossroads. Beach body or sugar high? The age-old question.

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I obvi went for the rush. I haven’t dipped a cookie in milk & let the sugar coarse through my gluttonous veins in like 5 months. After 25 years of eating a sleeve a day, it was time for a detox. But you know the saying, you can take the girl out of the Oreo, but you can’t take the Oreo out of the girl. Much to my chagrin, it seems like they have changed the recipe a bit. Did that stop me from eating the entire box? Absolutely not.

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Since rockin’ beach bod is out, I figure I’ll just wrap myself in a full-body sarong & call it a day.


Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 6 burgers


  • 2 cans of black beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 cup of panko bread crumbs
  • 1/2 of an onion, diced
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of paprika
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • 1 tbsp. of cilantro
  • 2 tsp. of sriracha
  • 1 tbsp. of mayonnaise
  • S+P, to taste
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Hamburger buns, toasted
  • Pepper jack cheese slices
  • Avocado slices
  • Red onion

How to:

  • Pour black beans into a large bowl and mash with a fork, leaving some whole black beans for texture
  • Add breadcrumbs + onion + cilantro + chili powder + cumin + paprika + red pepper + + 1 tsp. sriracha + S+P to beans and combine
  • Heat olive oil + over medium heat in a skillet
  • Pack a patty & slide into skillet
  • Cook for 5 minutes and flip
  • Place cheese on cooked side and let it melt before removing patty
  • Repeat until all your burgers are done
  • Combine the mayo + remaining sriracha
  • Top with red onion + avocado + sriracha mayo
  • Eat all 6 by self + go in public immediately + see how many people ask you when you are due