Butternut Noodle Bowls

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How many pairs of eyewear will I purchase online before I realize it’s a very bad idea?

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3 dozen? 100? Does the limit really not exist?

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I legit get a new pair every 8 months because I can no longer stand the sight of myself in the giant goggles I choose.

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I always order from the same site and they are chock full of the latest fashions and v stylish options. I’m hip, I’m trendy, I can wear those ginormous oblong frames, right? Wrong. They even offer free at-home try-ons so you’re not stuck with something that looks horrendous. Do I utilize this convenient service? No, never. I always think this time is going to be different. This pair will perfectly my fit equal parts long face and chubby cheeks. A new pair arrived yesterday. These are much smaller than my old pairs, neatly round, no crazy shape, and pink. Pink! I have found the perfect pair! I sent a selfie to my father who immediately told me I look more and more like a grandmother everyday.

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The BEST part of new glasses is the first couple of days where they haven’t stretched to my face & they are squeezing my head so hard they leave stellar bruises.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 butternut squash, spiralized
  • 1 red onion, sliced thin
  • 1 package of cremini mushrooms, sliced thin
  • 1 head of cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 1 zucchini, sliced into thin ribbons
  • 1/2 cup of pomegranate seeds
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Arrange cauliflower on a lined baking sheet with a drizzle of 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast 20-25 minutes, tossing once
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add mushrooms + S+P, cook another 5 minutes
  • Toss the raw butternut squash noodles + raw zucchini + mushroom + onion mix + cauliflower in a large bowl with remaining olive oil + lemon juice + pomegranate seeds + S+P
  • Refrigerate for a bit + serve chilled or room temp
  • Enjoy slurping the entirety of this guilt free meal + doing a lil happy jig around your party pad in celebration

Cauliflower Soup

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Am I the last human on planet earth who enjoys grocery shopping?

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I’ve certainly gotta be the last millennial to write out a grocery list on PAPER and spend my precious time physically walking through a store picking out my own groceries using the dangly limbs hanging off of my body.

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I just find it so therapeutic. Moseying through the aisles armed with my re-usable produce bags and a plan. It’s thrilling.

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Errbody be doing these apps where the grocery store peeps bag the groceries and bring them to the cart for them. Perhaps it’s my deep-rooted trust issues, but I could never allow a stranger to pick out my produce! First, there is the issue of hygiene. I’m sure the grocery store employs fine, showered people, but I just can’t be sure those mitts are clean. Also, do these apps allow you to apply notes with your selections? Like, if I need 8 avocados, can I specify I need 2 super ripe ones and 6 others that are like straight from the tree? Are they required to consult the expiration dates or do they pass the slightly fuzzy berries on the app shoppers? Once they bring the food to my car, do I get to squeeze and sniff all of it before I’m stuck with it? I can’t be expected to drive off with any ‘ole avocado! I just have a lot of questions.

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Though I would avoid debacles like this weekend when I left a bag full of onions and eggplants at the checkout, got home, threw away the receipt, took out the trash and THEN realized I did not have said onions and eggplants.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 2 heads of cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 4 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil + more for serving (if desired)
  • 1/4 cup of capers, patted dry
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro for serving

How to:

  • Preheat broiler
  • Arrange cauliflower on two lined baking sheets + drizzle each with a tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Place on the middle oven rack + broil for 20 minutes
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a stock pot over medium heat
  • Add onion, cook 4-5 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add all but a lil bit of the cauliflower (this is to top your soups with + give a lil texture), toss + cook for 2 minutes
  • Add 6 cups of water + crushed red pepper + S+P, bring to a boil, lower heat + simmer for 30 minutes
  • Meanwhile, heat remaining olive oil in a lil skillet over medium heat
  • Add the dry capers + cook for 2-3 minutes, remove + let cool
  • Turn soup off heat + blend with an immersion blender until smooth + creamy
  • Serve warm with cauliflower bits + capers + cilantro + a lil extra oil if desired
  • Slurp this puppy down + lick the bowl clean like the filthy mongrel you really are

Autumn Harvest Salad

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My husband is going off the grid.

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He’s going underground, living on the lam, getting out of dodge!

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Also, he’s just deleting social media.

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Much to my chagrin, he’s slowly but surely deleting all his accounts. He claims it’s terribly addicting and bad for our mental health or something?? Idk. What I do know is that it’s downright selfish! He’s just not thinking about me and Topanga and all of the cute photos he, exclusively, has captured over the years! If Topanga had thumbs and could manage her own accounts, this would be a lil less of an issue, but alas. What, we’re just going to sacrifice all of our treasured pix to the internet Gods? Our memories scattered to the wind?? (Name that movie) I just can’t stand by and let this happen. He’s putting the millennial good name to shame!

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It also means I’m going to lose a follower and that’s simply not good for MY mental health.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 acorn squash, tops trimmed off + cut into rounds
  • 1 head of purple cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 3 beets, peeled + tops trimmed off
  • 2 parsnips, sliced in lil rounds
  • 1 can of chickpeas, rinsed + drained
  • 2 shallots, sliced thin
  • Spinach, for serving
  • 2 tbsp. of apple cider vinegar
  • 5 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tbsp. of dijon mustard
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Place squash rounds + parsnips on a lined baking sheet + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P
  • Place cauliflower on a lined baking sheet + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P
  • Place chickpeas + shallots on another lined baking sheet + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P
  • Wrap each beet in its owl lil piece of foul + drizzle each with 1 tbsp. olive oil + S+P, place on another baking sheet
  • Roast all your veggies for 15 minutes, toss (no need to toss beets obvio) , cook chickpeas another 5-7, cauliflower + squash another 10-15, until browned to your desire + beets another 15 minutes
  • Meanwhile, combine apple cider vinegar + remaining olive oil + dijon mustard + garlic in a lil bowl
  • To serve, top spinach with all your roasted veggies + drizzle with your dressing
  • Light all your pumpkin waffle flavored candles + smash face down onto plate, rubbing throughly in all veggies