Cauli Rice Risotto with Fennel + Peas

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TELL ME some of you guys are following along with this slick crazy Instagram scavenger hunt engagement/wedding happening over the last few days.

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If not, allow me to fill you in with an abridged version.

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This Instagram influencer and her banker boyfriend are apparently getting engaged. Dude set up this wild scavenger hunt for her starting Tuesday and it’s literally still happening and she’s still not engaged or seen her beau. She went from NYC to the Hamptons to Miami and is now on her way to Paris. And she is posting every detail on her insta story and it’s gone viral Like, modern America, you gotta love it.

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I know this seems really exciting and thoughtful and romantic or something, but I have some questions. This gal has a 9-5 (supposedly), so is her boss really kewl with her just leaving work in the middle of a random Tuesday and not coming back for who only knows how long?? That must be one heck of a benefits package! Next, she doesn’t know where she’s going so doesn’t know what to pack. Literally one of my worst nightmares. I pack 12 outfits for one night because I can think of that many things that could go wrong, requiring backups. Additionally, she is on all of these planes and going, going, going, yet she shows absolutely no sign of travel bloat. I don’t buy it! Either she doesn’t eat or she is a specimen we need to lock up and study because the travel bloat is not something even the rich and famous can escape. Finally, this woman is getting showered with free gifts. Like, goodies are raining from the sky on her because of how big of a deal this is becoming. They are obvio already wealthy otherwise how is this happening in the first place, but now she’s getting free outfits and jewelry?! The cruel injustices of our social media-addicted world! Of which I am addicted.

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What happened to getting engaged on the porch of your boo’s house with your BFF stashed in a bush taking iPhone pix?? The good ‘ole days.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 head of cauliflower, grated into rice on a cheese grater
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, monced
  • 1/4 cup of dry white wine
  • 1/4 cup of vegetable broth
  • 6 tbsp. of walnuts
  • 3 tbsp. of nutritional yeast
  • 2 tbsp. of vegan buter
  • 1 fennel bulb, sliced thin
  • 1 cup of frozen peas
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Heat one tbsp. of olive oil in a large pot over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add cauliflower, coat + cook another 3-4 minutes
  • Add wine, cook another 2 minutes
  • Add broth, cook another 5 minutes or until absorbed by the cauli rice
  • Meanwhile, heat the remaining olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add fennel + S+P, cook 5-7 minutes
  • Meanwhile, pulse walnuts + nutritional yeast + some S+P in a food processor
  • Turn heat to low + add in walnut mix + butter + fennel + peas + crushed red pepper + S+P, cook another 3-4 minutes
  • Serve warm
  • Eat 6 bowls of this back to back because it’s basically like eating air

 

Adapted from here!

Butternut Noodle Bowls

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How many pairs of eyewear will I purchase online before I realize it’s a very bad idea?

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3 dozen? 100? Does the limit really not exist?

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I legit get a new pair every 8 months because I can no longer stand the sight of myself in the giant goggles I choose.

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I always order from the same site and they are chock full of the latest fashions and v stylish options. I’m hip, I’m trendy, I can wear those ginormous oblong frames, right? Wrong. They even offer free at-home try-ons so you’re not stuck with something that looks horrendous. Do I utilize this convenient service? No, never. I always think this time is going to be different. This pair will perfectly my fit equal parts long face and chubby cheeks. A new pair arrived yesterday. These are much smaller than my old pairs, neatly round, no crazy shape, and pink. Pink! I have found the perfect pair! I sent a selfie to my father who immediately told me I look more and more like a grandmother everyday.

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The BEST part of new glasses is the first couple of days where they haven’t stretched to my face & they are squeezing my head so hard they leave stellar bruises.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 butternut squash, spiralized
  • 1 red onion, sliced thin
  • 1 package of cremini mushrooms, sliced thin
  • 1 head of cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 1 zucchini, sliced into thin ribbons
  • 1/2 cup of pomegranate seeds
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Arrange cauliflower on a lined baking sheet with a drizzle of 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast 20-25 minutes, tossing once
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add mushrooms + S+P, cook another 5 minutes
  • Toss the raw butternut squash noodles + raw zucchini + mushroom + onion mix + cauliflower in a large bowl with remaining olive oil + lemon juice + pomegranate seeds + S+P
  • Refrigerate for a bit + serve chilled or room temp
  • Enjoy slurping the entirety of this guilt free meal + doing a lil happy jig around your party pad in celebration

Cauliflower Soup

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Am I the last human on planet earth who enjoys grocery shopping?

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I’ve certainly gotta be the last millennial to write out a grocery list on PAPER and spend my precious time physically walking through a store picking out my own groceries using the dangly limbs hanging off of my body.

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I just find it so therapeutic. Moseying through the aisles armed with my re-usable produce bags and a plan. It’s thrilling.

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Errbody be doing these apps where the grocery store peeps bag the groceries and bring them to the cart for them. Perhaps it’s my deep-rooted trust issues, but I could never allow a stranger to pick out my produce! First, there is the issue of hygiene. I’m sure the grocery store employs fine, showered people, but I just can’t be sure those mitts are clean. Also, do these apps allow you to apply notes with your selections? Like, if I need 8 avocados, can I specify I need 2 super ripe ones and 6 others that are like straight from the tree? Are they required to consult the expiration dates or do they pass the slightly fuzzy berries on the app shoppers? Once they bring the food to my car, do I get to squeeze and sniff all of it before I’m stuck with it? I can’t be expected to drive off with any ‘ole avocado! I just have a lot of questions.

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Though I would avoid debacles like this weekend when I left a bag full of onions and eggplants at the checkout, got home, threw away the receipt, took out the trash and THEN realized I did not have said onions and eggplants.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 2 heads of cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 4 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil + more for serving (if desired)
  • 1/4 cup of capers, patted dry
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro for serving

How to:

  • Preheat broiler
  • Arrange cauliflower on two lined baking sheets + drizzle each with a tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Place on the middle oven rack + broil for 20 minutes
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a stock pot over medium heat
  • Add onion, cook 4-5 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add all but a lil bit of the cauliflower (this is to top your soups with + give a lil texture), toss + cook for 2 minutes
  • Add 6 cups of water + crushed red pepper + S+P, bring to a boil, lower heat + simmer for 30 minutes
  • Meanwhile, heat remaining olive oil in a lil skillet over medium heat
  • Add the dry capers + cook for 2-3 minutes, remove + let cool
  • Turn soup off heat + blend with an immersion blender until smooth + creamy
  • Serve warm with cauliflower bits + capers + cilantro + a lil extra oil if desired
  • Slurp this puppy down + lick the bowl clean like the filthy mongrel you really are