Mushroom Phillies

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I watched an episode of Game of Thrones.

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Unfortunately, I hopped on this train about 6 seasons late, so the cortex of my brain skilled at catching on quickly to television plots has reached maximum capacity.

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First, I need a flow chart of characters detailing phonetic spellings because, at present, the only name I can remember is Jon.

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Second, what is “the wall” they keep talking about? Who is within it? Who is outside of it? Why doesn’t a dragon just fire breath it down? Third, is everyone simultaneously related and in love? I’m confused. Fourth, I need a map. Who is in the north? Who is in the south? Are all of these places within the wall? Where is this mythical land? Are we in an alternate universe? What if all of this is taking place inside of a snow globe that a little boy is playing with??? No? I’m the only one with this theory? OK.

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Honestly, the only part I understood was the Ed Sheeran cameo.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 6 sandwiches

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. of mushrooms (I did a mix of white + cremini)
  • 1 onion, sliced thin
  • 1 green pepper, chopped
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1 bundle of swiss chard, stemmed
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Mozzarella, for melting
  • Hoagies

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 350
  • Heat a tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook for 3-4 minutes
  • Add green pepper + jalapeno + S+P, cook another 3-4 minutes, until the mixture starts to caramelize
  • Add mushrooms, crushed red pepper + S+P, cook for 6-8 minutes until mixture is cooked and tender
  • Meanwhile, heat the other tbsp. of olive oil in another skillet over medium heat
  • Add garlic, cook 1 minute
  • Add chard + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes until wilted
  • To assemble, spread mush mix on a hoagie, top with mozz
  • Repeat with other sandwiches
  • Pop in oven for a few minutes until melted
  • Pop open the button on your jeans + allow your gut to extend to its true happy place

 

Homemade Fettuccine + Red Sauce

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I’m transitioning to a vegan.

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I think.

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There is just so much to consider. My biggest dilemma being what do I substitute for my daily bagel and cream cheese schmear?! I can obvio keep the bagel, but what do I spread all over it? I don’t want peanut butter and I don’t want to make a weekly vat of vegan cream cheese, how daunting. Don’t even bother suggesting I eat it plain, I am not a monster.

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Other considerations: skim milk to dunk my Oreos in, Chobani lime yogurt, cheese cubes, cheese slices, shredded cheese, melted cheese, the rice at my favie Mexican restaurant that is covered in cheese, delivery pizza, grilled cheese, butter, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, cheesy grits, cheesy potatoes, to name a few that come to mind.

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Also, I told my dad this news and he said he’d rather I transition to a man than a vegan so I have a strong support system.

 

 

And now a non-vegan recipe lol:

Time: 3 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups of all-purpose flour
  • 3 eggs
  • 1/2 tsp. of sea salt
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 5 tomatoes, peeled
  • 3 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1/4 cup of fresh basil, chopped
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1/4 cup of parmigiano reggiano

How to:

  • Combine flour + salt in a large bowl
  • Make a well + add eggs to the center
  • Mix dough
  • Once dough is in a nice lil ball, move from bowl to a floured surface + knead until a smooth ball is formed
  • Wrap in plastic wrap + set aside for 30 minutes-hour
  • Roll out dough as thin as you can, if you have a pasta machine, whip it out you luckies!!!
  • Once thin enough, cut into even strips
  • Bring a pot of salted water to a boil
  • Add the fresh noodles + cook for 3-4 minutes until al dente
  • For sauce, add olive oil to a large pot over medium heat
  • Add garlic, cook for 1-2 minutes
  • Add tomatoes + S+P, simmer for an hour, uncovered
  • Add basil + crushed red pepper, simmer for another hour, covered
  • Transfer to a food processor + process until smooth
  • Pour back in the pot, stir in cheese + adjust seasoning to taste
  • Toss pasta with sauce + serve with extra basil + cheese
  • Put on bib + eat with grubby mitts like your inner fussy toddler

 

 

Help came from these guys!

http://tenatthetable.com/recipes/fresh-pasta-machine-required/

http://spaceshipsandlaserbeams.com/blog/party-food/how-to-make-homemade-tomato-sauce

 

Grilled Lemon + Broccolini Pizza

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It’s a weird thing when you realize your parents are old.

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Like, it really forces you to wrestle with your own mortality.

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It hit me this week when I innocently asked my dad what he was doing and he responded with, “trolling neighborhood watch Facebook groups leaving fake concerns.”

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The man is not yet 60, but he is obviously senile. He left a comment on this neighborhood watch site insinuating that renters are the root of the town’s problems. And I quote, “They’re trash. We don’t want ’em!” Insanity ensued obviously. The man got a big kick out of it. Thus sparking a new interest in the latest internet fad – trolling. He’s just truly embracing his reality as a crotchety old grandpa, yet in the modern era he’s able to do it from the comfort of his office chair in front of a computer screen while simultaneously playing Grand Theft Auto.

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I suggest he take up walking or playing cards, but he prefers the mystique of his internet persona – I wonder where he gets it from?¿

 

 

Time: 40 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 1 pizza

Ingredients:

  • 2 lemons, sliced
  • 1 bundle of broccolini, washed
  • 4 oz. of mozzarella cheese, sliced
  • 1/4 cup of goat cheese, crumbled
  • 1 pizza crust
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cooking spray for the grill

How to:

  • Heat yo grill up!
  • Spray your lemons + broccolini with some cooking spray
  • Arrange on the grill, but not directly over coals or on the hottest part of the grill
  • Grill lemons 2 minutes, flip + grill another 1, remove
  • Flip broccolini after 3 minutes, flip + grill another 2, remove
  • Arrange mozzarella on a pizza crust
  • Top with broccolini + lemon + goat cheese + S+P
  • Spray grill + lay pizza on grill, again not on the hottest part
  • Grill for 3 minutes or until cheese is slightly melted
  • Remove + top with crushed red pepper
  • Take each side of the pizza, fold into a boat + sink into your pie hole

 

Idea from the latest issue of Food + Wine magazine!