Chili + Cheese Cauli Tots

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Working from home has afforded me the opportunity to really get to know my neighbors.

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From afar. I’ve never introduced myself to any of them – far too shy and they’d all hate me, I’m sure.

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So I was really happy for my neighbor when she got a new car last week. What an exciting time!

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A couple of days later I noticed the car was a different color. I sat on this for a while and thought: A) they painted it B) they traded it in for a different color C) I’m out of my mind and it was always light gray not dark gray. Finally, I realize I haven’t seen the husband’s car in a while. Interesting. What a mystery. Until I look out the window one morning, and there in the driveway sit two, IDENTICAL, brand new cars – one light gray, one dark gray. They got matching cars! Within days of each other!!! I’m not judging here, I’ve just never seen this before! A couple of additional theories: A) Their love is on another level & they thoroughly enjoy matching B) They got a 2-for-1 deal 3) They are doomsday preppers and it’s more economical to stock up on identical car parts.

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Moral of the story: I need a life.

 

 

Time: 2 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

Tots-

  • 1 head of cauliflower, cleaned + chopped into florets
  • 1 cup of panko breadcrumbs
  • 1/2 a yellow onion, chopped
  • 3 tbsp. of nutritional yeast
  • 2 tbsp. of ground flaxseed meal
  • 2 tbsp. of cilantro
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Vegan butter, for coating your baking sheet

Chili-

  • 1 yellow onion, diced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1 red bell pepper, diced
  • 1 cup of cooked lentils
  • 1 cup of cooked red beans
  • 3 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tsp. of smoked paprika
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of oregano
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • 1 can of diced tomatoes
  • 2 tbsp. of tomato paste
  • 2 tsp. of apple cider vinegar
  • 2 tbsp. of sriracha
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste

Cheese-

  • 1/4 cup of cashews, soaked in water overnight + rinsed before using
  • 1 russet potato, chopped
  • 1 carrot, chopped
  • 3 tbsp. of nutritional yeast
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • 1/2 tsp. of white wine vinegar
  • 1 tbsp. of sriracha
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1/4 cup of water
  • S+P, to taste

Toppings-

  • Cilantro
  • Tomatoes

How to:

  • To make the cheese, add potato + carrot to a pot + cover with water
  • Bring to a boil, reduce heat + simmer for 15 minutes
  • Add the drained potato + carrot + all other cheese ingredients to a food processor
  • Combine until smooth + drizzleable (new word), set aside
  • Now, preheat oven to 400 degrees + grease baking sheet with vegan butter
  • Add cauliflower to a food processor, pulse until riced
  • Add remaining tot ingredients (except the butter), + pulse until all combined
  • Scoop out a lil with a cookie scoop + form into tots, arrange on baking sheet
  • Bake these lil guys for 10 minutes, turn over + bake another 10 minutes
  • While tots bake, make your chili!
  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add jalapeno + red pepper + S+P, cook another 3-4 minutes
  • Add chili powder + smoked paprika + cumin + oregano + crushed red pepper + S+P
  • Add diced tomatoes + bring to a simmer
  • Add tomato paste + lentils + red beans, smash with the back of a fork
  • Add vinegar + sriracha, cook another 10 minutes
  • To serve, arrange your tots in a dish + top with chili + cheese + more tots + top with cilantro + tomatoes
  • Pretend you are at a drive-in wearing your sweatpants + listening to some early 2000’s top hits while stuffing your face with this

 

Chili + cheese from Oh She Glows! Tots adapted from here!

 

Mushroom Phillies

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I watched an episode of Game of Thrones.

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Unfortunately, I hopped on this train about 6 seasons late, so the cortex of my brain skilled at catching on quickly to television plots has reached maximum capacity.

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First, I need a flow chart of characters detailing phonetic spellings because, at present, the only name I can remember is Jon.

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Second, what is “the wall” they keep talking about? Who is within it? Who is outside of it? Why doesn’t a dragon just fire breath it down? Third, is everyone simultaneously related and in love? I’m confused. Fourth, I need a map. Who is in the north? Who is in the south? Are all of these places within the wall? Where is this mythical land? Are we in an alternate universe? What if all of this is taking place inside of a snow globe that a little boy is playing with??? No? I’m the only one with this theory? OK.

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Honestly, the only part I understood was the Ed Sheeran cameo.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 6 sandwiches

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. of mushrooms (I did a mix of white + cremini)
  • 1 onion, sliced thin
  • 1 green pepper, chopped
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1 bundle of swiss chard, stemmed
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Mozzarella, for melting
  • Hoagies

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 350
  • Heat a tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook for 3-4 minutes
  • Add green pepper + jalapeno + S+P, cook another 3-4 minutes, until the mixture starts to caramelize
  • Add mushrooms, crushed red pepper + S+P, cook for 6-8 minutes until mixture is cooked and tender
  • Meanwhile, heat the other tbsp. of olive oil in another skillet over medium heat
  • Add garlic, cook 1 minute
  • Add chard + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes until wilted
  • To assemble, spread mush mix on a hoagie, top with mozz
  • Repeat with other sandwiches
  • Pop in oven for a few minutes until melted
  • Pop open the button on your jeans + allow your gut to extend to its true happy place

 

Homemade Fettuccine + Red Sauce

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I’m transitioning to a vegan.

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I think.

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There is just so much to consider. My biggest dilemma being what do I substitute for my daily bagel and cream cheese schmear?! I can obvio keep the bagel, but what do I spread all over it? I don’t want peanut butter and I don’t want to make a weekly vat of vegan cream cheese, how daunting. Don’t even bother suggesting I eat it plain, I am not a monster.

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Other considerations: skim milk to dunk my Oreos in, Chobani lime yogurt, cheese cubes, cheese slices, shredded cheese, melted cheese, the rice at my favie Mexican restaurant that is covered in cheese, delivery pizza, grilled cheese, butter, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, cheesy grits, cheesy potatoes, to name a few that come to mind.

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Also, I told my dad this news and he said he’d rather I transition to a man than a vegan so I have a strong support system.

 

 

And now a non-vegan recipe lol:

Time: 3 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups of all-purpose flour
  • 3 eggs
  • 1/2 tsp. of sea salt
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 5 tomatoes, peeled
  • 3 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1/4 cup of fresh basil, chopped
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1/4 cup of parmigiano reggiano

How to:

  • Combine flour + salt in a large bowl
  • Make a well + add eggs to the center
  • Mix dough
  • Once dough is in a nice lil ball, move from bowl to a floured surface + knead until a smooth ball is formed
  • Wrap in plastic wrap + set aside for 30 minutes-hour
  • Roll out dough as thin as you can, if you have a pasta machine, whip it out you luckies!!!
  • Once thin enough, cut into even strips
  • Bring a pot of salted water to a boil
  • Add the fresh noodles + cook for 3-4 minutes until al dente
  • For sauce, add olive oil to a large pot over medium heat
  • Add garlic, cook for 1-2 minutes
  • Add tomatoes + S+P, simmer for an hour, uncovered
  • Add basil + crushed red pepper, simmer for another hour, covered
  • Transfer to a food processor + process until smooth
  • Pour back in the pot, stir in cheese + adjust seasoning to taste
  • Toss pasta with sauce + serve with extra basil + cheese
  • Put on bib + eat with grubby mitts like your inner fussy toddler

 

 

Help came from these guys!

http://tenatthetable.com/recipes/fresh-pasta-machine-required/

http://spaceshipsandlaserbeams.com/blog/party-food/how-to-make-homemade-tomato-sauce