Cuban Black Bean + Plantain Bowls

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That’s it. I’m done doing anything nice for someone other than myself.

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Nothing good can come of it. It just comes back to bite me.

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Today, I spent a very large sum of money on a gift for my husband. A couple months ago, he came home and was like, “I need to invest in a watch. ALLLLLLL the guys have really nice watches. Like Rolexes!!!!” I told him absolutely not, no way, not happening. Watches are ridiculous and don’t matter, yada, yada. Ya know, to throw him off the scent and make him hate me for a bit until I could go behind his back and buy one.

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So we’re sitting on the couch tonight, planning our weekend, surfing the net. I’m acting totally kewl. He’s not onto me in the slightest. Then, for some reason I’ll never understand, he decides to check his email like a civilized adult. Curveball! And who has emailed him? AMEX. The biggest busybody on the credit card block, that’s who. I thought they only emailed ME to verify the purchase. What, you don’t trust me, AMEX? You have to check with my HUSBAND?! A little sexist, but we’ll deal with that another day. Garr looks at me and is like, “What is this AMEX email about possible fraudulent activity? Did you try to buy something from a jeweler?” I panic. Totally spaz out. “Umm…yeah I was just looking at rings for myself.” Yes, this IS the best I could come up with. He’s all, “What did you do, Rachel…….?” I spill my guts. Surprise ruined. I’m thinking we’ll have a good laugh, he’ll be super psyched. 0/2 today, Rach. He’s peeved I didn’t consult him before a big purchase! This tells you how often we buy gifts for each other.

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The cherry on top – “I might have exaggerated a LITTLE bit about all the guys having nice watches. I’ve maybe seen one or two.” I’M DONE, PEOPLE. I’M OUT.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 can of black beans
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 2 ripe plantains, cut in 1/4 inch sliced
  • 1 tbsp. of cumin
  • 1 tbsp. of coriander
  • 1 tsp. of paprika
  • 1 tbsp. of lime juice
  • 1/4 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • 3 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste
  • Avocado, for serving
  • Brown rice, for serving

How to:

  • Heat 1 tbsp. of oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Arrange half of the plantains in an even layer, cook 2-3 minutes until slightly browned, flip + cook another 2-3 minutes, remove to a paper towel-lined plate
  • Repeat with another tbsp. of oil + plantains
  • Meanwhile, in a deep skillet heat remaining olive oil over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add beans + cumin + coriander + paprika + some S+P, stir to coat + cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add 1/2 cup of water + lime juice, cook another 6-7 minutes
  • Turn off heat, stir in most of the cilantro, saving some to top your bowls
  • To serve, add some brown rice to a bowl + top with beans + plantains + avocado + some more cilantro, repeat
  • Pour contents in blender + shake it all up + gulp down your exotic bean + plantain juice, a flavor sure to be coming to a smoothie store near you

 

Adapted from here!

Coconut + Apple Dal

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An army of cats is trying to kill me.

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Specifically, they are trying to break into my home, claw me to death & binge on my lifeless carcass.

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It’s the only reasonable explanation for why THEY ARE ALL OVER MY PROPERTY. (I sound like a 95-year-old grandpa when I use the word property)

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It’s a Tuesday, I’m working at my kitchen table like I do, staring into my peaceful, pine tree-lined backyard, when all of a sudden a slinky black cat appears on my porch. As a rule, I do not trust cats. I can never tell what they are thinking, what their motives are. They have a menacing hunch and glow in the dark eyes. Not kewl. This bro was no different. He started rubbing himself against the backdoor, whining for me to let him in. Not happening, sir. He comes back the next day, same story. Except this time he lingers. I let Topanga out to do her business, thinking she’ll scare the feline. No luck, of course Topanga is afraid of HIM. Day after that, bro brings a friend. Apparently, my porch is the happening place to be. Day 4, more reinforcements. A third cat arrives. This time, they use my house as a playground, just hanging on the rail while the original dude hops up on the roof, peering down at me through planning his attack.

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In a shocking turn of events, the ring leader showed up yesterday in a pink, floral collar so he’s obviously trying to woo me with fashion.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 1/2 cups of red lentils
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 1 honey crisp apple, shredded on a grater
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of ground ginger
  • 1 can of coconut milk
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • 1 tsp. of cayenne pepper
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1/2 tsp. of turmeric
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro, for serving
  • Plain almond milk yogurt, for serving

How to:

  • Heat oil in a large stock pot over medium heat
  • Add cayenne pepper + cumin + turmeric, cook for 1-2 minutes
  • Add onion + S+P, cook for 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic + ginger, cook another minute
  • Add apple + lentils, stir to coat + cook 2 minutes
  • Add coconut milk + 2 1/2 cups of water, bring to a boil, reduce heat + simmer for 25 minutes
  • Stir in lime juice  + some S+P
  • Serve warm with cilantro + yogurt
  • Pour into a sippy cup + suckle on dal until belly is that of a chubby toddler

 

Recipe from here!

 

Tomatillo + Kiwi Salsa

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I am a Real Housewife of middle-class, suburban North Carolina.

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Thanks, in part, to the bougie weekend I just had.

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I was in Florida for a bachelorette party and I felt like I was living the life of the rich and the famous.

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We were in a super dope house in a ritzy neighborhood and there was this mega-ginormous pool with this crazy water fountain like out of that pivotal scene in Clueless. Then a party bus came to pick us up and cart us around all evening. I don’t know much about their salaries, but my guess is that party bus drivers are grossly underpaid. They have to drive dozens of screaming girls around into the wee hours of the night without any sort of libation to ease the headache. They have to listen to someone else’s blaring music (there was a lot of O-Town and Leann Rhimes’ version of “The Rose”) without saying a peep. These guys are saints! Saturday we had a PRIVATE SUSHI CHEF come to the house and cook for us all night. The spread he made! I sat back, eating my 18th piece of a vegan roll topped with lemon zest, just taking it all in and realized, “I am meant to be wealthy and do this all the time.”

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And that is how I became inspired to ask Garrett to consider taking a second job.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: a big ole tub of salsa

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. of tomatillos, rinsed + quartered
  • 1 kiwi, peeled + sliced thin
  • 1/2 red onion, diced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1/2 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • Pinch of sugar
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Chips for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven’s broiler
  • Arrange tomatillos on a baking sheet + drizzle with olive oil
  • Broil for 10-15 minutes, checking every two to three to make sure they aren’t browning too quickly, remove once browned to your desire
  • While tomatillos cool, place kiwi + onion + jalapeno + cilantro + lime + sugar + some S+P in a food processor, pulse until combined but still chunky
  • Add tomatillos + puree again until it’s the consistency you desire, adjust seasoning to taste
  • Chill for a couple of hours
  • Serve chilled or room temp with chips
  • Dunk face into salsa + let kiwi + tomatillo nutrients nourish your crackling skin

 

Adapted from here!