Chickpea + Grape Salad

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Hi, I’m Rachel, and I’m addicted to true crime.

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I know I’m like 6 years late to this party, but I am here now with bells on, so giddy up!

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I’m just obsessed. I haven’t stopped listening to this “My Favorite Murder” podcast that a stranger told me about a few weeks ago (is it possible she wants to murder me?) and all I want to watch are murder documentaries and (for balance) The Office.

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Like, there are human beings out there capable of murdering other human beings and feeling no remorse. How is this possible?! Fascinating. I hope all murderers are signed up to have their minds donated to science. It’s made me like super paranoid, though. More so than usual. Remember, I’m the girl who made her mom leave a movie theatre several years ago because there was a guy by himself with a backpack. I was not about to die watching The Place Beyond the Pines. Now, my default setting is just to assume everyone is out to murder me. I’m at yoga – oh, someone is going to bust up in here and definitely murder me while I’m in a down dog. I’m in the grocery store – k, everyone in here wants to murder me, can I roll over the deli section and use a carving knife as a weapon? We were out the other night and there was a young guy sitting by himself at the bar looking all melancholy. I looked at Garr and was like, k, we are outtie.

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Can’t tell if the paranoia is rooted in true crime fascination or general self-centeredness.

 

Time: 30 minutes (prep + cooking if using canned chickpeas); Overnight soaking + 1 hour (prep + cooking if using fresh chickpeas) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups of cooked chickpeas (I used fresh, feel free to use a can or two!)
  • 1 rib of celery, chopped
  • 1 head of broccoli, cut into florets
  • 1/2 a red onion, diced
  • 1 1/2 cups of red + green grapes, halved
  • 1/2 cup of vegan cream cheese
  • 1/2 cup of pecans, toasted + chopped
  • 4 green onions, diced
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Toast, for serving

How to:

  • To a pot of salted, boiling water, add broccoli, cook 3 minutes, drain + plunge into ice bath
  • In a large bowl, combine chickpeas + vegan cream cheese + crushed red pepper + S+P, set aside for a few minutes
  • In another bowl, add drained broccoli + onion + celery + green onion + S+P
  • Now add your broccoli bowl to your chickpea bowl
  • Fold in grapes + pecans, more S+P
  • Refrigerate for a bit, serve chilled or room temp with some toast or crackers or eat like a lil salad
  • Grab giant handful, walk into crowded cafeteria, scream “food fight” and launch at youngins

Avocado + Grapefruit Ceviche

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I miss MySpace.

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Are any of my readers hackers? I need to log in to my old account. I’ll only need your services this one time and your secret will be safe with me.

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The photos on this long-ago deactivated MySpace page are so incredibly embarrassing, I’d give a limb to show them to my husband and show him how well I’ve aged. Think colorful braces and flat-iron damaged hair.

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Really I just miss a social media platform that let me customize my page with a song. Do you remember the PRESSURE of choosing your MySpace song?! If you were anything like me (sad, not many friends), this was a do-or-die situation. It had to be just right! Both representative of my mood and by a band my crush liked. To achieve, I’d stalk my crush’s fave band page and find the most depressing song they had. Then, I would wait patiently and hope crush noticed and would say something like, “wow, Rach, what an obscure and deep song you have on your page by a band I thoroughly enjoy, would you like to go to the local Sonic and share a limeade?”

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I think this had a 0% success rate, but I did develop a deep appreciation for My Chemical Romance.

 

 

Time: 20 minutes | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 2 avocados, diced
  • 1 grapefruit, skin removed + diced
  • 2 roma tomatoes, diced
  • 1 cup of cauliflower, cut into very small florets or riced
  • 1/2 red onion, diced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1/2 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • S+P, to taste
  • Chips for serving

 

How to:

  • Mix all ingredients in a bowl + sprinkle on plenty of S + a little P
  • Serve with tortilla chips
  • Try to beat my record of eating literally all of this in a three-hour span

 

Idea from here!

https://cookieandkate.com/2018/vegan-citrus-ceviche-recipe/

 

Blueberry + Banana Bowl

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I burned off my taste buds.

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Not from food that is too temperature hot, but from food that has been soaking in Asian chili peppers for 40 years + then takes a bubble bath in red pepper flakes.

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It’s this local Chinese restaurant. They have this fried rice dish that has a literal disclaimer on it for being so spicy. Do I order it every time? Yes. Do I always regret? Most obviously.

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The past couple of times I’ve ordered this I’ve been a little disappointed. It just hasn’t been as spicy as my wretched body has become accustomed to. So I order it last night, thinking, “Eh, it’ll be ~mild~.” It comes to the table. I’m pleasantly surprised by the looks of things – red pepper flakes allllll up in this bowl. I’m ready – mentally and physically (loose dress). I get about half way through and the usual sweating happens. Two glasses of water & I’m fine, a champ. I finish the meal. Like, I eat every bite of this monster fried rice. Then the dizziness sets in. I am on another planet. A planet I think must be similar to hell because there are flames and dragons everywhere. The sweat is now coming out of my head, as in the top of my hair is damp. I rub my tongue on the roof of my mouth and realize it’s all numb and there are probably no longer taste buds there.

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So I’ll be going back next week.

 

 

Time: 20 minutes (prep + blending) | Serves: 1-2

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups of frozen blueberries
  • 1 banana, sliced
  • 1/2 tsp. of vanilla extract
  • 1 1/2 cups of skim milk
  • Banana, for topping
  • Blueberries, for topping
  • Granola, for topping

How to:

  • Combine frozen blueberries + sliced banana + vanilla + milk in a blender or bullet
  • Blend until smooth
  • Pour into a bowl + top with bananas + blueberries + granola
  • Hold breath + dive face-first into bowl + enjoy luxurious smoothie facial

 

Pulled this one out of a magazine, but can’t remember which one – I’m fun!!!