Broccoli + Grain Salad

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Reason 23,085 I’m not meant to live in the south: my daggum ‘do can’t take it.

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The combination of humidity and high winds does truly unspeakable things to my hair.

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We went to Charleston for the weekend and they were having tornado-like winds the whole time. Ya girl had her hair up IN A PONYTAIL. Tragic!!!!

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Apart from the hair debacle, we had a delightful time. We frolicked and explored and took in some sights and only a few folks did double takes at what the heck was atop my head (my messy bun frightens people). Charleston’s food scene is pretty dope and I ate like a right queen. Garr & I are high key obsessed with Netflix’s Chef’s Table and have been jonesing to visit one of the featured restaurants. We finally checked that off the bucket list this weekend and it was just superb. They made me a vegan entree without any hassles and it was basically just a bunch of side dishes but we all know that’s the best part of the meal anyways. G must have had a stroke or something when he placed his order because he chose snapper and he doesn’t like seafood?¿ It was swimming in a lil broth and it reminded him of a time he was camping and surviving off the land and he and his pals had the great idea to boil a fish they caught in a stew they were making and it turned gray and tasted like dirt. So, slightly different experiences.

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We ended the evening at a hot pink champagne & caviar bar & I decided then & there that I simply MUST have such a room in my next home.

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup of red lentils, uncooked
  • 1/2 cup of quinoa, uncooked
  • 1/2 cup of barley, uncooked
  • 2 heads of broccoli, washed + cut into florets
  • 1/2 a red onion, sliced thin
  • 1/2 cup of almonds, toasted + chopped
  • 1/4 cup of pomegranate seeds
  • 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar
  • 1/2 tbsp. of sugar
  • 1/4 cup + 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Juice + zest of 1/2 a lemon
  • 1/2 tsp. of dijon mustard
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Add onions to a jar or bowl, top with apple cider vinegar + sugar + 1 tsp. of S + 1 cup of warm water, cover + refrigerate until you’re ready to serve
  • Cook grains according to package directions, drain + set aside
  • Arrange broccoli on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast for 25 minutes, tossing once
  • Meanwhile, combine remaining olive oil + lemon juice + zest + dijon + S+P
  • To serve, combine grains + broccoli + pickled red onions (minus their juice) + almonds + pomegranate seeds + dressing
  • Serve warm, room temp or chilled
  • Place self in a high chair + feed self with hands like lil doll baby you are

 

Coconut + Apple Dal

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An army of cats is trying to kill me.

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Specifically, they are trying to break into my home, claw me to death & binge on my lifeless carcass.

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It’s the only reasonable explanation for why THEY ARE ALL OVER MY PROPERTY. (I sound like a 95-year-old grandpa when I use the word property)

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It’s a Tuesday, I’m working at my kitchen table like I do, staring into my peaceful, pine tree-lined backyard, when all of a sudden a slinky black cat appears on my porch. As a rule, I do not trust cats. I can never tell what they are thinking, what their motives are. They have a menacing hunch and glow in the dark eyes. Not kewl. This bro was no different. He started rubbing himself against the backdoor, whining for me to let him in. Not happening, sir. He comes back the next day, same story. Except this time he lingers. I let Topanga out to do her business, thinking she’ll scare the feline. No luck, of course Topanga is afraid of HIM. Day after that, bro brings a friend. Apparently, my porch is the happening place to be. Day 4, more reinforcements. A third cat arrives. This time, they use my house as a playground, just hanging on the rail while the original dude hops up on the roof, peering down at me through planning his attack.

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In a shocking turn of events, the ring leader showed up yesterday in a pink, floral collar so he’s obviously trying to woo me with fashion.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 1/2 cups of red lentils
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 1 honey crisp apple, shredded on a grater
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of ground ginger
  • 1 can of coconut milk
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • 1 tsp. of cayenne pepper
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1/2 tsp. of turmeric
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro, for serving
  • Plain almond milk yogurt, for serving

How to:

  • Heat oil in a large stock pot over medium heat
  • Add cayenne pepper + cumin + turmeric, cook for 1-2 minutes
  • Add onion + S+P, cook for 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic + ginger, cook another minute
  • Add apple + lentils, stir to coat + cook 2 minutes
  • Add coconut milk + 2 1/2 cups of water, bring to a boil, reduce heat + simmer for 25 minutes
  • Stir in lime juice  + some S+P
  • Serve warm with cilantro + yogurt
  • Pour into a sippy cup + suckle on dal until belly is that of a chubby toddler

 

Recipe from here!

 

Vegan Sloppy Joes

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I did it. I’ve taken the plunge.

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I’ve done a swan dive into the deep blue sea that is finally binge watching Friends.

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Why has it taken me this long, you ask? Oh, I don’t know. I’m just not big on conforming.

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This isn’t true. I love rules and following order. 10 seasons of anything is just such a big commitment. Who has the time? Who can stand to see this exquisitely cast ensemble in timeless situations? Who wants to just be blissfully ignorant of the world’s turmoil for perfectly carved out 20 minute blocks of time? Well, everyone unless you are a space alien or someone with a really radical social life. It’s just such a darn good program, ya know? I always LOVED having the same name as Jennifer Aniston’s character. My dad used to tell me, “They gave the prettiest girl the prettiest name.” This gave me a complex for a long time, but man, did I love hearing it! And the CLOTHES! My mother dressed just like them in the 90s and I idolized her style. I wish it was still acceptable for women in their mid to late 20s to sport their bare midriff in any and every situation. How freeing.

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It’s nice watching on Netflix because every like 3 episodes it judges me and asks if I’m still watching.

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 can of kidney beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1/2 cup of lentils, cooked
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 green pepper, diced
  • 12 oz. can of tomato sauce
  • 6 oz. can of tomato paste
  • 2 tbsp. of soy sauce
  • 1 tbsp. of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tbsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of oregano
  • 1 tsp. of smoked paprika
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Buns for serving

How to:

  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add green pepper, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add tomato sauce + paste + soy sauce + apple cider vinegar + chili powder + cumin + oregano + paprika + red pepper + S+P, bring to a lil boil, turn down heat + simmer for 7-8 minutes
  • Add beans + lentils, cook another 3-4 minutes
  • Serve on toasted buns
  • Strap on your bib + pull that hair in your nastiest top knot + just smash your face in a large plate of this