Cauli Rice Risotto with Fennel + Peas

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TELL ME some of you guys are following along with this slick crazy Instagram scavenger hunt engagement/wedding happening over the last few days.

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If not, allow me to fill you in with an abridged version.

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This Instagram influencer and her banker boyfriend are apparently getting engaged. Dude set up this wild scavenger hunt for her starting Tuesday and it’s literally still happening and she’s still not engaged or seen her beau. She went from NYC to the Hamptons to Miami and is now on her way to Paris. And she is posting every detail on her insta story and it’s gone viral Like, modern America, you gotta love it.

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I know this seems really exciting and thoughtful and romantic or something, but I have some questions. This gal has a 9-5 (supposedly), so is her boss really kewl with her just leaving work in the middle of a random Tuesday and not coming back for who only knows how long?? That must be one heck of a benefits package! Next, she doesn’t know where she’s going so doesn’t know what to pack. Literally one of my worst nightmares. I pack 12 outfits for one night because I can think of that many things that could go wrong, requiring backups. Additionally, she is on all of these planes and going, going, going, yet she shows absolutely no sign of travel bloat. I don’t buy it! Either she doesn’t eat or she is a specimen we need to lock up and study because the travel bloat is not something even the rich and famous can escape. Finally, this woman is getting showered with free gifts. Like, goodies are raining from the sky on her because of how big of a deal this is becoming. They are obvio already wealthy otherwise how is this happening in the first place, but now she’s getting free outfits and jewelry?! The cruel injustices of our social media-addicted world! Of which I am addicted.

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What happened to getting engaged on the porch of your boo’s house with your BFF stashed in a bush taking iPhone pix?? The good ‘ole days.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 head of cauliflower, grated into rice on a cheese grater
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, monced
  • 1/4 cup of dry white wine
  • 1/4 cup of vegetable broth
  • 6 tbsp. of walnuts
  • 3 tbsp. of nutritional yeast
  • 2 tbsp. of vegan buter
  • 1 fennel bulb, sliced thin
  • 1 cup of frozen peas
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Heat one tbsp. of olive oil in a large pot over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add cauliflower, coat + cook another 3-4 minutes
  • Add wine, cook another 2 minutes
  • Add broth, cook another 5 minutes or until absorbed by the cauli rice
  • Meanwhile, heat the remaining olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add fennel + S+P, cook 5-7 minutes
  • Meanwhile, pulse walnuts + nutritional yeast + some S+P in a food processor
  • Turn heat to low + add in walnut mix + butter + fennel + peas + crushed red pepper + S+P, cook another 3-4 minutes
  • Serve warm
  • Eat 6 bowls of this back to back because it’s basically like eating air

 

Adapted from here!

Stuffed Avocado Tacos

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I am an ugly man.

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Like, as a man, I kind of just look like roadkill.

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Thanks to the new Snapchat filters, we can all discover what we look like as the opposite sex! Because that is a thing our society needs.

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All of my girlfriends are all, like, really good looking dudes. I mean, they’re all gorgeous women, but it’s just not fair they are hot guys too! I, on the otherhand, look like a “geeky frat boy who is trying too hard” according to one pal. Then, Garrett does the girl filter and he is like really pretty….. The filter gave him like feathered hair and perfectly manicured brows. It softened his smile and gave him these rosy cheeks. He was so proud of himself, too. At least 8 times, he chanted “I’m a pwetty giwl! I’m a pwetty giwl!” I just don’t think I can be friends with all of these stunning hermaphrodites. It’s not good for my ego.

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Honestly, I’m most upset Snapchat gave me a trash ‘stache.

 

 

Time: 40 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4

Ingredients:

  • 4 avocados, pitted
  • 1 package of soyrizo
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 1 pint of cherry tomatoes, halved
  • 7-8 leaves of butter lettuce, chiffonaded
  • 4 tortillas, cut in lil strips
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro, for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400
  • Arrange tortilla strips on a lined baking sheet in an even layer, bake 20 minutes, tossing once, being careful they don’t burn
  • Meanwhile, heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add 1/2 the onion + some S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add soyrizo, cook for 8-9 minutes or until soyrizo is crisp to your desire
  • To serve, sprinkle some soyrizo onto an avocado + top with some raw onion + tomatoes + lettuce + crunchy tortilla strips + cilantro
  • With hands tied behind back, dive face first into this sea of avocado taco boat goodness + go to town

Chopped Greek Salad

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Apparently, I have what some like to call Rolls Royce taste on a Honda budget.

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We’re shopping for our first home.

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And we could just get a lot more house for the money if our budget was like $800,000.

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Honestly, Garrett is the problem. He’s wildly against a fixer upper because he doesn’t want to spend his time making improvements. I’m really down for whatever. As long as there are at least 2.5 baths, floor to ceiling windows with lots of natural light and a giant kitchen with white marble countertops and white cabinets, I’m set. I’m simple, really. I don’t mind having to make a couple of updates to get our dream home. But I can’t even online search with Garr anymore. If we look at a house and the curtains are ugly, he’s like nope, no, can’t, exit out of this page, I’m out. He can’t look past the poor decorating choices and see the good bones of a place. We saw one and he was like ugh NO I’d have to rip off that wall paper. The audacity! He thinks we just need to buy a new build. I was like OK great, that sounds really nice, why don’t you just loosen the grip on your pocketbook, good sir.

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How easy is it to buy a house behind your husband’s back? Asking for a friend.

 

 

Time: 30 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 head of romaine, washed + shredded
  • 1 english cucumber, sliced thin
  • 1/2 a red onion, sliced thin
  • 1 pint of cherry tomatoes, halved
  • 1/2 cup of kalamata olives
  • 1/4 cup of banana peppers
  • 1/4 cup of roasted red peppers
  • 1/2 cup of quinoa, uncooked
  • 1/2 cup of olive oil
  • 1/3 cup of red wine vinegar
  • 1 tsp. of lemon juice
  • 2 tsp. of oregano
  • 1 tsp. of garlic powder
  • 1 tsp. of onion powder
  • Pinch of sugar
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Cook quinoa according to package directions, set aside
  • In a bowl, whisk olive oil + red wine vinegar + lemon juice + oregano + garlic powder + onion powder + sugar + S+P, refrigerate until ready to use
  • In a big bowl combine lettuce + cucumber + onion + tomatoes + kalamata olives + peppers
  • Pour onto a big cutting board
  • Using a ulu knife, chop up the salad to your desire
  • Add back to bowl + add quinoa + mix in dressing
  • Serve chilled
  • Using a spatula, shovel salad contents into mouth until they are all gone and you have eaten your daily calories in salad