Vegan Carbonara

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Why errbody be hating on sweet baby Archie’s name?

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Do I hope he turns out to be a redheaded high school star athlete and also the lead singer of a self-named band with all of his pals? Absolutely.

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Personally, I live for old people names. The older the better. Like, Mildred? INTO IT.

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Like, I’m sorry. They can’t name him Joe. This baby was in People magazine while in utero more times than I will be in all of my life. Like, he isn’t a commoner. He needs a name that makes a statement. I also love the family initials are HAM now. V royal. What must it be like for sweet little Megan? It would have been dope if she really broke from tradition and refused to do that archaic walk-out 2 hours after birth in full hair, makeup and heels. Like, Meg, we know you have a diaper on under that dress. We want you to rest. We all understand. They’d have to roll me out on a gurney. I’d do my princess wave horizontally.

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This has infected me so much I dreamt I named a child Roger.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 1 package of spaghetti
  • 1-1.5 cups of shiitake mushrooms, sliced
  • 1 package of firm tofu, water drained from tofu
  • 1/2 cup of unflavored dairy free milk
  • 1/2 cup of nutritional yeast
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • 1 tbsp. of tahini
  • 1 tsp. of turmeric
  • 1 tbsp. of smoked paprika
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Parsley, for serving

How to:

  • In a bowl, combine shiitake + smoked paprika + S+P
  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add mushrooms, cook 5-6 minutes
  • In a food processor, combine tofu + milk + nutritional yeast + lemon juice + tahini + turmeric + S+P, process until smooth
  • Meanwhile, cook pasta to al denta
  • Add sauce to drained pasta pot, cook for 2-3 minutes
  • Add pasta + mushrooms into the pot, coat + warm for another minute, add some S+P, to taste
  • Serve warm with parsley

 

Adapted from here!

 

Butternut Noodle Bowls

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How many pairs of eyewear will I purchase online before I realize it’s a very bad idea?

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3 dozen? 100? Does the limit really not exist?

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I legit get a new pair every 8 months because I can no longer stand the sight of myself in the giant goggles I choose.

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I always order from the same site and they are chock full of the latest fashions and v stylish options. I’m hip, I’m trendy, I can wear those ginormous oblong frames, right? Wrong. They even offer free at-home try-ons so you’re not stuck with something that looks horrendous. Do I utilize this convenient service? No, never. I always think this time is going to be different. This pair will perfectly my fit equal parts long face and chubby cheeks. A new pair arrived yesterday. These are much smaller than my old pairs, neatly round, no crazy shape, and pink. Pink! I have found the perfect pair! I sent a selfie to my father who immediately told me I look more and more like a grandmother everyday.

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The BEST part of new glasses is the first couple of days where they haven’t stretched to my face & they are squeezing my head so hard they leave stellar bruises.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 butternut squash, spiralized
  • 1 red onion, sliced thin
  • 1 package of cremini mushrooms, sliced thin
  • 1 head of cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 1 zucchini, sliced into thin ribbons
  • 1/2 cup of pomegranate seeds
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Arrange cauliflower on a lined baking sheet with a drizzle of 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast 20-25 minutes, tossing once
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add mushrooms + S+P, cook another 5 minutes
  • Toss the raw butternut squash noodles + raw zucchini + mushroom + onion mix + cauliflower in a large bowl with remaining olive oil + lemon juice + pomegranate seeds + S+P
  • Refrigerate for a bit + serve chilled or room temp
  • Enjoy slurping the entirety of this guilt free meal + doing a lil happy jig around your party pad in celebration

Shiitake Grain Bowls

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I have a new friend!

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She arrived to town on Sunday and it looks she’ll be sticking around for a while.

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It’s a giant growth on my face and I call her Rita.

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We went to a baseball game on Saturday. It was a gorgeous spring day in Seattle. Sunshine everywhere. I did not put on my SPF moisturizer that morning for fear it’d react with my self-tanner. (I should really start thinking about my priorities – perhaps skin health > tan.) However, I did purchase a baseball cap with high hopes I could pull it off (false) and wore it 83% of the day. I truly thought I struck a nice balance. I wake up Sunday morning and just brush my hand against my cheek. I feel a giant glob on my cheek…that wasn’t there yesterday….. I trace the perimeter of the mass and discover it’s the size of a modest spaceship. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?! Literally, I BARELY touch it (still in bed at this point) and it explodes water. I run, screaming, to the bathroom to survey the damage and staring back at me is a gaping hole in my cheek. Oh, Rachel, as if you needed to draw more attention to that face.

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Two days later and it’s starting to scab. Just looks like someone dragged my face across a gravel road. How’s your appetite?

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4 bowls

Ingredients:

  • 1 package of tempeh, cubed
  • 1/2 lb. of shiitake mushrooms, chopped
  • 1/2 lb. of brussels sprouts, halved
  • 1 parsnip, peeled + chopped
  • 1 can of chickpeas, drained + rinsed
  • 1 bunch of asparagus, ends trimmed
  • 1 cup of farro, uncooked
  • 1/4 cup of soy sauce
  • 2 tbsp. of dijon mustard
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp. of agave
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • In a bowl, combine soy sauce + dijon mustard + garlic + agave + 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Add the tempeh + shiitakes to the sauce, let marinate while your other veggies roast
  • Arrange asparagus on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive + S+P, bake 12 minutes-14 minutes, stirring once
  • On another lined baking sheet, arrange brussels sprouts + chickpeas + parsnips, drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P, bake 14-16 minutes, tossing once
  • While veggies roast, cook farro according to package directions
  • While roasted veggies cool slightly, heat remaining oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add tempeh + mushrooms + cook for 5-7 minutes, or until tempeh is crisp to your desire
  • To serve, combine farro + tempeh + mushrooms + asparagus + brussels mix + avocado
  • Don’t forget to feed some with face friends like Rita