Butternut Noodle Bowls

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How many pairs of eyewear will I purchase online before I realize it’s a very bad idea?

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3 dozen? 100? Does the limit really not exist?

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I legit get a new pair every 8 months because I can no longer stand the sight of myself in the giant goggles I choose.

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I always order from the same site and they are chock full of the latest fashions and v stylish options. I’m hip, I’m trendy, I can wear those ginormous oblong frames, right? Wrong. They even offer free at-home try-ons so you’re not stuck with something that looks horrendous. Do I utilize this convenient service? No, never. I always think this time is going to be different. This pair will perfectly my fit equal parts long face and chubby cheeks. A new pair arrived yesterday. These are much smaller than my old pairs, neatly round, no crazy shape, and pink. Pink! I have found the perfect pair! I sent a selfie to my father who immediately told me I look more and more like a grandmother everyday.

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The BEST part of new glasses is the first couple of days where they haven’t stretched to my face & they are squeezing my head so hard they leave stellar bruises.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 butternut squash, spiralized
  • 1 red onion, sliced thin
  • 1 package of cremini mushrooms, sliced thin
  • 1 head of cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 1 zucchini, sliced into thin ribbons
  • 1/2 cup of pomegranate seeds
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Arrange cauliflower on a lined baking sheet with a drizzle of 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast 20-25 minutes, tossing once
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add mushrooms + S+P, cook another 5 minutes
  • Toss the raw butternut squash noodles + raw zucchini + mushroom + onion mix + cauliflower in a large bowl with remaining olive oil + lemon juice + pomegranate seeds + S+P
  • Refrigerate for a bit + serve chilled or room temp
  • Enjoy slurping the entirety of this guilt free meal + doing a lil happy jig around your party pad in celebration

Shiitake Grain Bowls

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I have a new friend!

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She arrived to town on Sunday and it looks she’ll be sticking around for a while.

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It’s a giant growth on my face and I call her Rita.

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We went to a baseball game on Saturday. It was a gorgeous spring day in Seattle. Sunshine everywhere. I did not put on my SPF moisturizer that morning for fear it’d react with my self-tanner. (I should really start thinking about my priorities – perhaps skin health > tan.) However, I did purchase a baseball cap with high hopes I could pull it off (false) and wore it 83% of the day. I truly thought I struck a nice balance. I wake up Sunday morning and just brush my hand against my cheek. I feel a giant glob on my cheek…that wasn’t there yesterday….. I trace the perimeter of the mass and discover it’s the size of a modest spaceship. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?! Literally, I BARELY touch it (still in bed at this point) and it explodes water. I run, screaming, to the bathroom to survey the damage and staring back at me is a gaping hole in my cheek. Oh, Rachel, as if you needed to draw more attention to that face.

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Two days later and it’s starting to scab. Just looks like someone dragged my face across a gravel road. How’s your appetite?

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4 bowls

Ingredients:

  • 1 package of tempeh, cubed
  • 1/2 lb. of shiitake mushrooms, chopped
  • 1/2 lb. of brussels sprouts, halved
  • 1 parsnip, peeled + chopped
  • 1 can of chickpeas, drained + rinsed
  • 1 bunch of asparagus, ends trimmed
  • 1 cup of farro, uncooked
  • 1/4 cup of soy sauce
  • 2 tbsp. of dijon mustard
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp. of agave
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • In a bowl, combine soy sauce + dijon mustard + garlic + agave + 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Add the tempeh + shiitakes to the sauce, let marinate while your other veggies roast
  • Arrange asparagus on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive + S+P, bake 12 minutes-14 minutes, stirring once
  • On another lined baking sheet, arrange brussels sprouts + chickpeas + parsnips, drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P, bake 14-16 minutes, tossing once
  • While veggies roast, cook farro according to package directions
  • While roasted veggies cool slightly, heat remaining oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add tempeh + mushrooms + cook for 5-7 minutes, or until tempeh is crisp to your desire
  • To serve, combine farro + tempeh + mushrooms + asparagus + brussels mix + avocado
  • Don’t forget to feed some with face friends like Rita

Mushroom Phillies

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I watched an episode of Game of Thrones.

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Unfortunately, I hopped on this train about 6 seasons late, so the cortex of my brain skilled at catching on quickly to television plots has reached maximum capacity.

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First, I need a flow chart of characters detailing phonetic spellings because, at present, the only name I can remember is Jon.

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Second, what is “the wall” they keep talking about? Who is within it? Who is outside of it? Why doesn’t a dragon just fire breath it down? Third, is everyone simultaneously related and in love? I’m confused. Fourth, I need a map. Who is in the north? Who is in the south? Are all of these places within the wall? Where is this mythical land? Are we in an alternate universe? What if all of this is taking place inside of a snow globe that a little boy is playing with??? No? I’m the only one with this theory? OK.

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Honestly, the only part I understood was the Ed Sheeran cameo.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 6 sandwiches

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. of mushrooms (I did a mix of white + cremini)
  • 1 onion, sliced thin
  • 1 green pepper, chopped
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1 bundle of swiss chard, stemmed
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Mozzarella, for melting
  • Hoagies

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 350
  • Heat a tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook for 3-4 minutes
  • Add green pepper + jalapeno + S+P, cook another 3-4 minutes, until the mixture starts to caramelize
  • Add mushrooms, crushed red pepper + S+P, cook for 6-8 minutes until mixture is cooked and tender
  • Meanwhile, heat the other tbsp. of olive oil in another skillet over medium heat
  • Add garlic, cook 1 minute
  • Add chard + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes until wilted
  • To assemble, spread mush mix on a hoagie, top with mozz
  • Repeat with other sandwiches
  • Pop in oven for a few minutes until melted
  • Pop open the button on your jeans + allow your gut to extend to its true happy place