Egg Roll Bowls

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I’ve had a disturbing realization.

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Rather, it’s come to my attention that there are human beings out there in our very own world that are not motivated by food?

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I’m sorry, so like…what do you live for?

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Every single one of my days is measured in food. I live one meal to the next. My next meal is what keeps me motivated to keep going through the day. Right now as I’m writing this, I’m thinking about how tasty my breakfast is going to be tomorrow. And all other meals are planned. Any time I venture outside of my house, snacks are packed. When I travel, I have to be sure I know when and where I’ll be having my meals. Food just rules me. And I love it. Up until now, I just assumed we were all like this….???? Apparently this is not the case and I am FLOORED. No joke, there are people out there who just *forget* to eat. Literally have never done that one day in my life for any meal. What do people think about all day if not the food they will soon enjoy? What do they spend their time looking at on the interwebs if not restaurant reviews and recipes? What does it mean for someone to not be a “foodie?” How do I respond to that? How can I help these people?

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Tbh I think they’re probably too far gone for even medical attention.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 red onion, diced
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of ginger, minced
  • 1/2 head of purple cabbage, chopped
  • 1 cup of carrots, cut in match sticks
  • 2 cups of mushrooms
  • 1 head of broccoli, cut in tiny florets
  • 1 tbsp. of sesame oil
  • 1/4 cup of soy sauce
  • 1 tbsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Green onion, for serving
  • Sesame seeds, for serving
  • Avocado, for serving
  • Rice, for serving

How to:

  • Heat oil in a wok over medium heat
  • Add onion, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic + ginger, cook another minute
  • Add cabbage + carrots + mushrooms + broccoli + crushed red pepper, cook 6-7 minutes
  • Add soy sauce, cook another 2 minutes
  • Serve hot over rice with green onion + sesame seeds + avocado
  • Pretend like you are on an episode of Chopped + have to transform all the ingredients to pulse them in a blender + serve to pals in smoothie form

Vegan Carbonara

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Why errbody be hating on sweet baby Archie’s name?

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Do I hope he turns out to be a redheaded high school star athlete and also the lead singer of a self-named band with all of his pals? Absolutely.

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Personally, I live for old people names. The older the better. Like, Mildred? INTO IT.

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Like, I’m sorry. They can’t name him Joe. This baby was in People magazine while in utero more times than I will be in all of my life. Like, he isn’t a commoner. He needs a name that makes a statement. I also love the family initials are HAM now. V royal. What must it be like for sweet little Megan? It would have been dope if she really broke from tradition and refused to do that archaic walk-out 2 hours after birth in full hair, makeup and heels. Like, Meg, we know you have a diaper on under that dress. We want you to rest. We all understand. They’d have to roll me out on a gurney. I’d do my princess wave horizontally.

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This has infected me so much I dreamt I named a child Roger.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 1 package of spaghetti
  • 1-1.5 cups of shiitake mushrooms, sliced
  • 1 package of firm tofu, water drained from tofu
  • 1/2 cup of unflavored dairy free milk
  • 1/2 cup of nutritional yeast
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • 1 tbsp. of tahini
  • 1 tsp. of turmeric
  • 1 tbsp. of smoked paprika
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Parsley, for serving

How to:

  • In a bowl, combine shiitake + smoked paprika + S+P
  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add mushrooms, cook 5-6 minutes
  • In a food processor, combine tofu + milk + nutritional yeast + lemon juice + tahini + turmeric + S+P, process until smooth
  • Meanwhile, cook pasta to al denta
  • Add sauce to drained pasta pot, cook for 2-3 minutes
  • Add pasta + mushrooms into the pot, coat + warm for another minute, add some S+P, to taste
  • Serve warm with parsley

 

Adapted from here!

 

Butternut Noodle Bowls

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How many pairs of eyewear will I purchase online before I realize it’s a very bad idea?

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3 dozen? 100? Does the limit really not exist?

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I legit get a new pair every 8 months because I can no longer stand the sight of myself in the giant goggles I choose.

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I always order from the same site and they are chock full of the latest fashions and v stylish options. I’m hip, I’m trendy, I can wear those ginormous oblong frames, right? Wrong. They even offer free at-home try-ons so you’re not stuck with something that looks horrendous. Do I utilize this convenient service? No, never. I always think this time is going to be different. This pair will perfectly my fit equal parts long face and chubby cheeks. A new pair arrived yesterday. These are much smaller than my old pairs, neatly round, no crazy shape, and pink. Pink! I have found the perfect pair! I sent a selfie to my father who immediately told me I look more and more like a grandmother everyday.

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The BEST part of new glasses is the first couple of days where they haven’t stretched to my face & they are squeezing my head so hard they leave stellar bruises.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 butternut squash, spiralized
  • 1 red onion, sliced thin
  • 1 package of cremini mushrooms, sliced thin
  • 1 head of cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 1 zucchini, sliced into thin ribbons
  • 1/2 cup of pomegranate seeds
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Arrange cauliflower on a lined baking sheet with a drizzle of 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast 20-25 minutes, tossing once
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add mushrooms + S+P, cook another 5 minutes
  • Toss the raw butternut squash noodles + raw zucchini + mushroom + onion mix + cauliflower in a large bowl with remaining olive oil + lemon juice + pomegranate seeds + S+P
  • Refrigerate for a bit + serve chilled or room temp
  • Enjoy slurping the entirety of this guilt free meal + doing a lil happy jig around your party pad in celebration