Classic Totchos

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It’s time I reveal a secret to you.

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I would prefer to wait until the very last minute, but literally nothing else is going on in my life so here it goes.

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We’re pregnant!!!!

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And not just with tater tots. But a real, live fetus. Growing in my womb. I still can’t believe. We tried for so long and were first class passengers on the fertility struggle bus. This little bit is the biggest blessing of our whole lives!!!! But she is also trying to kill me. I thought girls don’t fight with their moms until they’re like 14??? Who knew it would happen this soon?! Really she’s just making my BP plummet on random occasions and making me feel like I’m going to faint while leading a Zoom call. V professional. Whatever, she’s worth it. But I am adding it to the spreadsheet of all the crap she’s put us through that I plan to whip out and review when she’s being a big ole turd.

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Oh, and fried potatoes are a pregnant girl’s #1 BFF.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • Half a package of frozen tots
  • Cheese sauce from here
  • 1 can of black beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 red pepper, diced
  • 1/2 pint of cherry tomatoes, halved
  • 1/4 cup of pickled red onions
  • Cilantro, for serving

How to:

  • Cook tots according to package directions
  • Meanwhile, prepare cheese sauce
  • Once tots are crisp, scooch them together + top with beans + red pepper + cherry tomatoes + cheese sauce
  • Pop back in the oven at 450 for about 5-6 minutes or the broiler for just a hot minute until cheese has browned a little
  • Top with red onion + cilantro
  • Serve hot
  • Put a whole slop of these into a bowl + just enjoy the tater tot bowl of your dreams

Adobo Jackfruit Nachos

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Marie Kondo has already won 2019 and we’re like two weeks in.

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What a shining beacon of light that little woman is in this dark world of ours.

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If I had that machine from Honey! I Shrunk the Kids, she would be the FIRST person I zap so I can keep her in my pocket and take her with me everywhere I go to remind me to find joy in all of the things.

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If y’all haven’t watched her Tidying Up show on Netflix, get on it! It’s inspiring. Marie goes into these unorganized, semi-disgusting homes and helps these peeps get their act together. She has this incredibly tedious clothes folding method that takes literally triple the amount of time, but the clothes look like the cutest lil packages, so of course I spent my entire Sunday Marie Kondoing my drawers. She also says to clean out your closet by putting all the clothes in a pile and then picking each item up one by one and talking to it a lil and seeing if it sparks joy. Normally, I would make fun of this, but she could tell me to sell all my wordly possessions and devote my life to bank robbery and as long as she says it in her lil giggly voice, I would instantly be like, yes, wow, will do immediately.

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I’m not down with her 30 book minimum, though, someone has gotta talk some sense into that woman.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4

Ingredients:

  • 1 can of jackfruit, drained + chopped
  • 1 7oz. can of chipotle chilis in adobo
  • 1 tsp. of liquid smoke
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 russet potato, washed, peeled + cubed
  • 2 carrots, washed, peeled + sliced
  • 1/4 cup of nutritional yeast
  • 2 tbsp. of lemon juice
  • 1 tbsp. of apple cider vinegar
  • 1 tsp. of onion powder
  • 1 tsp. of garlic powder
  • 1 tsp. of turmeric
  • 1 red onion, diced
  • 1 can of black beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 jalapeno, sliced thin
  • 2 roma tomatoes, diced, for serving
  • Avocado, for serving
  • Cilantro, for serving
  • Lime juice, for serving
  • Chips
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Bring potato + carrot to a boil in a lil pot of salted boiling water, boil for 10 minutes, let sit for a few minutes
  • Remove potato + carrot from pot + add to a food processor
  • Add 1 cup of the cooking water + nutritional yeast + lemon juice + apple cider vinegar + onion powder + garlic powder + turmeric + S+P, blend until smooth + combined, add a lil more cooking water if it’s too thick, adjust seasoning to taste
  • Meanwhile, heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add 1/2 the red onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add jackfruit + S+P, cook another 5-6 minutes
  • Add all the adobo sauce you can get out of the chipotle chili in adobo can + liquid smoke, simmer + cook for another 5-6 minutes
  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • In a large cast iron skillet, spray nonstick oil
  • Spread a layer of tortilla chips evenly + top with jackfruit + beans + remaining onion + jalapeno + a lil of your cheese sauce
  • Bake 10 minutes
  • Remove + top with more cheese sauce + tomatoes + avocado + cilantro + drizzle with lime juice
  • Serve warm
  • Bring pan of nachos into living room +  eat the entire pan whilst watching football + yelling at the referees + throwing some chips at the screen when they make bad calls

 

Cheese sauce adapted from here!

Cauliflower Nachos

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I need help with baby names.

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I’m not pregnant, fools, I literally just learned what fabric softener was like yesterday. I cannot take care of a miniature human yet. Also, I don’t want to buy new pants.

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But I do like to daydream about the names of my future offspring, so I keep a note in my phone with all my favie girl and boy names.

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Unfortunately, I’m facing some opposition from the other piece of this puzzle, my husband. He looked through my list the other night and was like, “nope, no, never, hate it, gross, that’s one’s OK but still no.” I’m like K, well what do you like? He’s all what’s wrong with naming it after me – Garrett DeWayne???

 

I do not have the time or energy to address this suggestion.

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I’m hoping he just feels terrible for me while I’m in labor and let’s me name them Jack and Rose like I’ve always wanted.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 2 heads of cauliflower, cut in florets
  • 1 can of black beans, rinsed + drained
  • 2 ripe tomatoes, diced
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1 cup of colby jack cheese, shredded
  • 1 avocado, cubed
  • 1/4 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Arrange cauliflower on a lined baking sheet + drizzle with olive oil + S+P
  • Roast 20-25 minutes or until browned to your liking
  • Meanwhile, combine tomatoes + onion + jalapeno + S+P in a bowl, set aside
  • Scootch cauliflower together on the pan + top with black beans + tomato mix + S+P + cheese, bake another 10 minutes or until cheese is melted + golden
  • Remove + top with avocado + cilantro
  • Serve hot
  • Get into stretchy PJ pants, turn on some good television, dim the lights + eat all of this straight off the pan like the monster you are