Cauliflower Soup

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Am I the last human on planet earth who enjoys grocery shopping?

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I’ve certainly gotta be the last millennial to write out a grocery list on PAPER and spend my precious time physically walking through a store picking out my own groceries using the dangly limbs hanging off of my body.

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I just find it so therapeutic. Moseying through the aisles armed with my re-usable produce bags and a plan. It’s thrilling.

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Errbody be doing these apps where the grocery store peeps bag the groceries and bring them to the cart for them. Perhaps it’s my deep-rooted trust issues, but I could never allow a stranger to pick out my produce! First, there is the issue of hygiene. I’m sure the grocery store employs fine, showered people, but I just can’t be sure those mitts are clean. Also, do these apps allow you to apply notes with your selections? Like, if I need 8 avocados, can I specify I need 2 super ripe ones and 6 others that are like straight from the tree? Are they required to consult the expiration dates or do they pass the slightly fuzzy berries on the app shoppers? Once they bring the food to my car, do I get to squeeze and sniff all of it before I’m stuck with it? I can’t be expected to drive off with any ‘ole avocado! I just have a lot of questions.

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Though I would avoid debacles like this weekend when I left a bag full of onions and eggplants at the checkout, got home, threw away the receipt, took out the trash and THEN realized I did not have said onions and eggplants.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 2 heads of cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 4 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil + more for serving (if desired)
  • 1/4 cup of capers, patted dry
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro for serving

How to:

  • Preheat broiler
  • Arrange cauliflower on two lined baking sheets + drizzle each with a tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Place on the middle oven rack + broil for 20 minutes
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a stock pot over medium heat
  • Add onion, cook 4-5 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add all but a lil bit of the cauliflower (this is to top your soups with + give a lil texture), toss + cook for 2 minutes
  • Add 6 cups of water + crushed red pepper + S+P, bring to a boil, lower heat + simmer for 30 minutes
  • Meanwhile, heat remaining olive oil in a lil skillet over medium heat
  • Add the dry capers + cook for 2-3 minutes, remove + let cool
  • Turn soup off heat + blend with an immersion blender until smooth + creamy
  • Serve warm with cauliflower bits + capers + cilantro + a lil extra oil if desired
  • Slurp this puppy down + lick the bowl clean like the filthy mongrel you really are

Pasta Aglio e Olio

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It’s ridiculous what a spray tan does for my confidence.

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I go from to 0 to 100 reallllll quick. I walk in a pasty nerd & come out a bronzed star. A star, I tell you!

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For some girls, it’s a hair cut. Maybe a mani/pedi. Nah. For me, I want to get naked & stand in a machine that sprays me with tan juice. That feeling when I walk out & look at myself in the mirror & it looks like I have just walked off a beach in Bora Bora – that’s euphoria.

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I know it’s shallow. I get that. But taking selfies is shallow, too, & y’all know I’m never going to stop doing that.

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Speaking of, I need to snap a couple while this tan is still fresh.

 

 

 

Time: 30 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. of whole wheat spaghetti
  • 1/3 cup of olive oil
  • 3 tbsp. of minced garlic
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • 1/4 cup of parmesan cheese + more for serving
  • 1 tbsp. of parsley, chopped
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Cook pasta to al dente, reserving 1 cup of cooking water
  • Meanwhile, heat olive oil in a pan over low-med heat
  • Add garlic + cook for 1 minute
  • Add crushed red pepper + S+P, cook another minute
  • Add drained pasta to skillet + reserved cooking water + coat the noodles well
  • Turn off the heat + stir in cheese + parsley + S+P
  • Let sit for a few minutes to absorb as much of the sauce as possible
  • Serve hot with extra cheese + parsley
  • Wrap body in noodles + let them swaddle you