Vegan Carbonara

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Why errbody be hating on sweet baby Archie’s name?

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Do I hope he turns out to be a redheaded high school star athlete and also the lead singer of a self-named band with all of his pals? Absolutely.

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Personally, I live for old people names. The older the better. Like, Mildred? INTO IT.

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Like, I’m sorry. They can’t name him Joe. This baby was in People magazine while in utero more times than I will be in all of my life. Like, he isn’t a commoner. He needs a name that makes a statement. I also love the family initials are HAM now. V royal. What must it be like for sweet little Megan? It would have been dope if she really broke from tradition and refused to do that archaic walk-out 2 hours after birth in full hair, makeup and heels. Like, Meg, we know you have a diaper on under that dress. We want you to rest. We all understand. They’d have to roll me out on a gurney. I’d do my princess wave horizontally.

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This has infected me so much I dreamt I named a child Roger.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 1 package of spaghetti
  • 1-1.5 cups of shiitake mushrooms, sliced
  • 1 package of firm tofu, water drained from tofu
  • 1/2 cup of unflavored dairy free milk
  • 1/2 cup of nutritional yeast
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • 1 tbsp. of tahini
  • 1 tsp. of turmeric
  • 1 tbsp. of smoked paprika
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Parsley, for serving

How to:

  • In a bowl, combine shiitake + smoked paprika + S+P
  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add mushrooms, cook 5-6 minutes
  • In a food processor, combine tofu + milk + nutritional yeast + lemon juice + tahini + turmeric + S+P, process until smooth
  • Meanwhile, cook pasta to al denta
  • Add sauce to drained pasta pot, cook for 2-3 minutes
  • Add pasta + mushrooms into the pot, coat + warm for another minute, add some S+P, to taste
  • Serve warm with parsley

 

Adapted from here!

 

Weeknight Pasta

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Y’all know who Gomer Pyle is?

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Not the lovable simpleton from Andy Griffith, I mean the Full Metal Jacket one.

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Well, I have the esteemed privilege of waking up next to him each morning.

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You see, Garrett had to shave his head for work. That perfectly sculpted head of lettuce he’s worked on for the last 5 years is no more. As the locks fell to the ground, so too did my tears. For in its place, stands the biggest bald head you ever did see. I obviously love him not matter how he looks, but it’s just a little shocking. He quickly came around a corner the other day and I screamed. The truth is, we met and fell in love when he was bald so I should really look at this as an opportunity to reminisce on the early years of Garrett and Rachel. Like when I introduced Garr to my father whose first response was, “The man looks like Gomer Pyle.”

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And that was the moment I knew he was the one.

 

 

Time: 30 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4

Ingredients:

  • 1 package of your favorite pasta
  • 1 can of cannellini beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 package of cherry or grape tomatoes, rinsed + halved
  • 1/4 cup of sundried tomatoes, chopped
  • 1 tbsp. of capers
  • 2 cups of spinach
  • 2 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil

How to:

  • Cook pasta to al dente, drain
  • Meanwhile heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add cannellini beans + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes,
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add cherry tomatoes + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes until starting to soften slightly
  • Add sundried tomatoes + capers, cook another 2 minutes
  • Turn heat down, add spinach + crushed red pepper + S+P, cook down about 1-2 minutes
  • Add pasta + 1/4 cup of the pasta cooking water, toss + cook 2-3 minutes
  • Serve warm
  • Put on sweats + a face mask + plop your behind down on favie spot on the couch + devour two bowls of pasta before retiring to your chambers by 8pm

Pesto Spaghetti Squash

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I did a bad thing.

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Like, four years ago when I first started this whole thing, I posted a spaghetti squash recipe and pretended I liked it.

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I lied to you. To all of you. It was heinous. The worst thing, to date, I’ve ever made, and certainly the worst I’ve ever fed another human. Garrett still talks about the spaghetti squash incident of 2014 with tears in his eyes.

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I’ve literally not had this pasta imposter since. In fact, I’ve actively avoided it and told myself and others it is an overrated, garbage vegetable that should be boycotted at all costs. Then, I was at dinner the other night and my options were limited and I was forced to order a salad with crispy lil spaghetti squash noods on top and I DIDN’T HATE IT.  Could it be the spaghetti squash is just a moody, misunderstood veg? Maybe spaghetti squash just prefers not to be stuffed with multiple cheeses & slimy, horrific artichokes (these I actually do detest). I don’t blame it, tbh. It could also be I actually have no idea what I’m doing in the kitchen 93.5% of the time.

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Spaghetti squash & I have redeemed ourselves and this household is once again full of believers!

 

 

Time: 1.5 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4

Ingredients:

  • 1 spaghetti squash, halved + de-seeded
  • 2 cups of basil, rinsed
  • 1/4 cup of walnuts
  • 1/4 cup of nutritional yeast
  • 1/2 cup of olive oil
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • Juice of 1 lemon
  • 2 shallots, sliced thin
  • 1 can of canellinni beans, rinsed + drained
  • 2 cups of spinach
  • 1 tbsp. of crushed red pepper flakes
  • 1 tsp. of oregano
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Place squash halves cut side up on a baking sheet
  • Drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast for 60 minutes
  • Meanwhile, in a food processor, combine basil + walnuts + nutritional yeast + 1 tbsp. of garlic + juice if 1/2 a lemon + 1/4 cup of olive oil + S+P, process until smooth, refrigerate until ready to use
  • Once squash is roasted + cooled, scrape out them noodles
  • Heat remaining olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add shallots + S+P, cook 3 minutes
  • Add remaining garlic + crushed red pepper + oregano, cook another minute
  • Add cannellini beans + S+P, cook another 3-4 minutes
  • Add spinach + S+P, cook another 2 minutes
  • Add squash noodles + pesto + juice of the other 1/2 lemon, cook for 2 minutes, turn off heat
  • Slurp down a bowl of these bad boys + pour yourself another + keep ’em coming till you pass out