Autumn Harvest Salad

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My husband is going off the grid.

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He’s going underground, living on the lam, getting out of dodge!

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Also, he’s just deleting social media.

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Much to my chagrin, he’s slowly but surely deleting all his accounts. He claims it’s terribly addicting and bad for our mental health or something?? Idk. What I do know is that it’s downright selfish! He’s just not thinking about me and Topanga and all of the cute photos he, exclusively, has captured over the years! If Topanga had thumbs and could manage her own accounts, this would be a lil less of an issue, but alas. What, we’re just going to sacrifice all of our treasured pix to the internet Gods? Our memories scattered to the wind?? (Name that movie) I just can’t stand by and let this happen. He’s putting the millennial good name to shame!

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It also means I’m going to lose a follower and that’s simply not good for MY mental health.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 acorn squash, tops trimmed off + cut into rounds
  • 1 head of purple cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 3 beets, peeled + tops trimmed off
  • 2 parsnips, sliced in lil rounds
  • 1 can of chickpeas, rinsed + drained
  • 2 shallots, sliced thin
  • Spinach, for serving
  • 2 tbsp. of apple cider vinegar
  • 5 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tbsp. of dijon mustard
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Place squash rounds + parsnips on a lined baking sheet + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P
  • Place cauliflower on a lined baking sheet + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P
  • Place chickpeas + shallots on another lined baking sheet + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P
  • Wrap each beet in its owl lil piece of foul + drizzle each with 1 tbsp. olive oil + S+P, place on another baking sheet
  • Roast all your veggies for 15 minutes, toss (no need to toss beets obvio) , cook chickpeas another 5-7, cauliflower + squash another 10-15, until browned to your desire + beets another 15 minutes
  • Meanwhile, combine apple cider vinegar + remaining olive oil + dijon mustard + garlic in a lil bowl
  • To serve, top spinach with all your roasted veggies + drizzle with your dressing
  • Light all your pumpkin waffle flavored candles + smash face down onto plate, rubbing throughly in all veggies

 

Vegan Kale + Squash Pesto Pizza

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I’m working on an exposé.

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About the people we become in airports.

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This is going to be hard-hitting journalism, people.

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A taste of the full piece: some of us become germaphobes and wipe down our armrests and tray tables with Clorox wipes (this is what I strive to be). Some of us put on suits and compare diamond elite status and frequent flyer miles with one another. Some actually walk through the airport in heels and, while we look amazing doing this, our pinky toes temporarily fall off of our feet (also strive to this because pain is beauty). Occasionally, we roll out of bed and rock the latest sleepy pant fashion and pretend we do not have a care in the world. Sometimes we become complainers and comment on everything from the refreshment selection to the safety precaution presentation the airlines make to KEEP US ALIVE AS WE FLY THROUGH SPACE.

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My favorite, though, are those who become shoe-taker-offers. How bold!

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 1 pizza

Ingredients:

  • 1 whole wheat pizza dough (me gusta Trader Joe’s)
  • 1 bunch of kale, washed + removed from the stem + chopped
  • 1 zucchini, sliced thin
  • 1 yellow squash, sliced thin
  • 2 cups of fresh basil
  • 1/4 cup of walnuts
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • 1/4 cup of nutritional yeast
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tsp. of garlic powder
  • 1 tsp. of onion powder
  • 1 tsp. of chili powder
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 300 degrees
  • In a food processor, combine basil + walnuts + garlic + lemon juice + 1/2 the nutritional yeast + some S+P, process on low + drizzle in 2 tbsp. olive oil + some water to thin it
  • In a bowl, combine kale + 1 tbsp. of olive oil, massage well
  • Toss remaining nutritional yeast + garlic powder + onion powder + chili powder + S+P into the kale bowl
  • Arrange on a lined baking sheet, bake for 10 minutes, toss + bake another 10, remove + set aside
  • Up the heat to 350
  • Arrange zucchini + squash on a lined baking sheet + drizzle with remaining olive oil + S+P, roast for 15 minutes
  • Stretch yo dough, spread lots of pesto + top with roasted squash
  • Bake for 8 minutes
  • Top with kale chips + serve warm
  • Fold pizza in half like a taco to double the amount you can cram in your piehole at once

 

 

 

 

 

 

Orzo + Squash Salad

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Let’s just clear the air, ok?

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I know you all read the article. Yes, the 12 page earthquake article in The New Yorker. No, I will not post the link because I refuse to give them anymore of my business.

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Allow me to summarize: Basically, the biggest earthquake in America’s history will occur right in the smack dab middle of where I sit. It will devastate all the major cities in the Pacific Northwest. There will be no hospitals or running water for weeks. 13,000 will die. 27,000 others injured. There is a 1 in 10 chance of this happening in the next 50 years. I’m no mathematician, but I don’t like my odds.

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I’d just like to speak with this magazine’s editor. Why would you do this to me? I feel so personally attacked. You know Washington is not my first choice of home & now THIS???? How do you expect we to function normally? Now I can never visit the Pacific Ocean (oh did I not mention there will be a tsunami killing all on the coast when the quake strikes). Y’all know I’m about to go into full blown doomsday prepper mode over here with my bottled water & non-perishable snacks. I might even have to buy a dagnab kayak because there’s a possibility the only mode of transportation will be by WATER.

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It was really nice knowing all of you.

 

 

Time: 40 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. of orzo
  • 2 zucchini, sliced thin
  • 2 yellow squash, sliced thin
  • 1 onion, sliced thin
  • 1 tbsp. of butter
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Parmesan cheese, for serving
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Combine squash + 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P
  • Spread evenly on 1 or 2 lined baking sheets
  • Combine onion + 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P
  • Spread that evenly on a lined baking sheet
  • Bake all trays for 30 minutes, shaking once or twice
  • Meanwhile, cook pasta to al dente, drain
  • Add back to hot pot with butter
  • Stir in vegetables + S+P
  • Serve hot with parmesan cheese
  • Spoon feed your sweetie + vice versa