Cuban Black Bean + Plantain Bowls

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That’s it. I’m done doing anything nice for someone other than myself.

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Nothing good can come of it. It just comes back to bite me.

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Today, I spent a very large sum of money on a gift for my husband. A couple months ago, he came home and was like, “I need to invest in a watch. ALLLLLLL the guys have really nice watches. Like Rolexes!!!!” I told him absolutely not, no way, not happening. Watches are ridiculous and don’t matter, yada, yada. Ya know, to throw him off the scent and make him hate me for a bit until I could go behind his back and buy one.

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So we’re sitting on the couch tonight, planning our weekend, surfing the net. I’m acting totally kewl. He’s not onto me in the slightest. Then, for some reason I’ll never understand, he decides to check his email like a civilized adult. Curveball! And who has emailed him? AMEX. The biggest busybody on the credit card block, that’s who. I thought they only emailed ME to verify the purchase. What, you don’t trust me, AMEX? You have to check with my HUSBAND?! A little sexist, but we’ll deal with that another day. Garr looks at me and is like, “What is this AMEX email about possible fraudulent activity? Did you try to buy something from a jeweler?” I panic. Totally spaz out. “Umm…yeah I was just looking at rings for myself.” Yes, this IS the best I could come up with. He’s all, “What did you do, Rachel…….?” I spill my guts. Surprise ruined. I’m thinking we’ll have a good laugh, he’ll be super psyched. 0/2 today, Rach. He’s peeved I didn’t consult him before a big purchase! This tells you how often we buy gifts for each other.

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The cherry on top – “I might have exaggerated a LITTLE bit about all the guys having nice watches. I’ve maybe seen one or two.” I’M DONE, PEOPLE. I’M OUT.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 can of black beans
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 2 ripe plantains, cut in 1/4 inch sliced
  • 1 tbsp. of cumin
  • 1 tbsp. of coriander
  • 1 tsp. of paprika
  • 1 tbsp. of lime juice
  • 1/4 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • 3 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste
  • Avocado, for serving
  • Brown rice, for serving

How to:

  • Heat 1 tbsp. of oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Arrange half of the plantains in an even layer, cook 2-3 minutes until slightly browned, flip + cook another 2-3 minutes, remove to a paper towel-lined plate
  • Repeat with another tbsp. of oil + plantains
  • Meanwhile, in a deep skillet heat remaining olive oil over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add beans + cumin + coriander + paprika + some S+P, stir to coat + cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add 1/2 cup of water + lime juice, cook another 6-7 minutes
  • Turn off heat, stir in most of the cilantro, saving some to top your bowls
  • To serve, add some brown rice to a bowl + top with beans + plantains + avocado + some more cilantro, repeat
  • Pour contents in blender + shake it all up + gulp down your exotic bean + plantain juice, a flavor sure to be coming to a smoothie store near you

 

Adapted from here!

Broccoli + Grain Salad

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Reason 23,085 I’m not meant to live in the south: my daggum ‘do can’t take it.

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The combination of humidity and high winds does truly unspeakable things to my hair.

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We went to Charleston for the weekend and they were having tornado-like winds the whole time. Ya girl had her hair up IN A PONYTAIL. Tragic!!!!

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Apart from the hair debacle, we had a delightful time. We frolicked and explored and took in some sights and only a few folks did double takes at what the heck was atop my head (my messy bun frightens people). Charleston’s food scene is pretty dope and I ate like a right queen. Garr & I are high key obsessed with Netflix’s Chef’s Table and have been jonesing to visit one of the featured restaurants. We finally checked that off the bucket list this weekend and it was just superb. They made me a vegan entree without any hassles and it was basically just a bunch of side dishes but we all know that’s the best part of the meal anyways. G must have had a stroke or something when he placed his order because he chose snapper and he doesn’t like seafood?¿ It was swimming in a lil broth and it reminded him of a time he was camping and surviving off the land and he and his pals had the great idea to boil a fish they caught in a stew they were making and it turned gray and tasted like dirt. So, slightly different experiences.

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We ended the evening at a hot pink champagne & caviar bar & I decided then & there that I simply MUST have such a room in my next home.

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup of red lentils, uncooked
  • 1/2 cup of quinoa, uncooked
  • 1/2 cup of barley, uncooked
  • 2 heads of broccoli, washed + cut into florets
  • 1/2 a red onion, sliced thin
  • 1/2 cup of almonds, toasted + chopped
  • 1/4 cup of pomegranate seeds
  • 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar
  • 1/2 tbsp. of sugar
  • 1/4 cup + 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Juice + zest of 1/2 a lemon
  • 1/2 tsp. of dijon mustard
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Add onions to a jar or bowl, top with apple cider vinegar + sugar + 1 tsp. of S + 1 cup of warm water, cover + refrigerate until you’re ready to serve
  • Cook grains according to package directions, drain + set aside
  • Arrange broccoli on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast for 25 minutes, tossing once
  • Meanwhile, combine remaining olive oil + lemon juice + zest + dijon + S+P
  • To serve, combine grains + broccoli + pickled red onions (minus their juice) + almonds + pomegranate seeds + dressing
  • Serve warm, room temp or chilled
  • Place self in a high chair + feed self with hands like lil doll baby you are

 

Crispy Quinoa Burgers

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I am SO happy Game of Thrones is back!!!!

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^ A thing I have never said.

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Though I do appreciate any excuse to host a watch party so I’m here for it.

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I especially love this Kit Harrington and Emilia Clarke love story. Not because of their intense physical connection or because it’s an intriguing plot line. It’s simply because they’re both so gorgeous. People that look that way just need to be on my television screen pretending to be in love. The creators really missed the boat on not giving them more screen time, honestly. Unfortunately, the new episode brought me but a single kiss. There are a whole host of other characters I’m supposed to be invested in (Joshua Jackson, it’s nice to see you working!). Alas, I will hold out hope for a spinoff with just Kit and Emilia and their dragons and it will be a lighthearted, live studio sitcom about life in prehistoric times or something.

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My fellow watch party attendees only had to beg me to shut up and stop asking questions once, so I consider it a success.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup quinoa, uncooked
  • 1 can of cannellini beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 1/2 cup of panko breadcrumbs
  • 1/4 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • 1 tbsp. of nutritional yeast
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tbsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of smoked paprika
  • 1/2 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Lettuce, for serving
  • Tomato, for serving
  • Avocado, for serving
  • Buns, for serving

How to:

  • Toast quinoa over low-medium heat for a few minutes, stirring often
  • Cook quinoa according to package directions, drain
  • In a bowl, mash cannellini beans
  • Stir in onion + cilantro + nutritional yeast + breadcrumbs + cooked quinoa + garlic + chili powder + cumin + paprika + red pepper + S+P
  • Heat 1 tbsp. of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Form into patties + place 2-3 in the skillet, not overcrowding, cook for 4 minutes per side or until crispy
  • Repeat with remaining patties
  • To serve, place a patty on a bun + top with lettuce + tomato + avocado
  • Take burger in one hand, smush it between your grimy fingers + rub contents on your face in a nice war paint fashion, you are prepared to attack the rest of the burgers