Black Bean Burgers 2.0

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I am going to the beach tomorrow.

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I haven’t been on a vacation in three years. This is my time – my moment. New bikinis and over-priced hair products that are supposed to give me blonde beach waves have been purchased. I’ve been doing extra squats & ab workouts & some arm toning thing a ma bobbers. I’m READY.

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Then it hits me while I’m in Target buying matching sleep sets I don’t need: I must have Oreos or I will perish. I find myself at a crossroads. Beach body or sugar high? The age-old question.

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I obvi went for the rush. I haven’t dipped a cookie in milk & let the sugar coarse through my gluttonous veins in like 5 months. After 25 years of eating a sleeve a day, it was time for a detox. But you know the saying, you can take the girl out of the Oreo, but you can’t take the Oreo out of the girl. Much to my chagrin, it seems like they have changed the recipe a bit. Did that stop me from eating the entire box? Absolutely not.

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Since rockin’ beach bod is out, I figure I’ll just wrap myself in a full-body sarong & call it a day.

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 6 burgers

Ingredients:

  • 2 cans of black beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 cup of panko bread crumbs
  • 1/2 of an onion, diced
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of paprika
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • 1 tbsp. of cilantro
  • 2 tsp. of sriracha
  • 1 tbsp. of mayonnaise
  • S+P, to taste
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Hamburger buns, toasted
  • Pepper jack cheese slices
  • Avocado slices
  • Red onion

How to:

  • Pour black beans into a large bowl and mash with a fork, leaving some whole black beans for texture
  • Add breadcrumbs + onion + cilantro + chili powder + cumin + paprika + red pepper + + 1 tsp. sriracha + S+P to beans and combine
  • Heat olive oil + over medium heat in a skillet
  • Pack a patty & slide into skillet
  • Cook for 5 minutes and flip
  • Place cheese on cooked side and let it melt before removing patty
  • Repeat until all your burgers are done
  • Combine the mayo + remaining sriracha
  • Top with red onion + avocado + sriracha mayo
  • Eat all 6 by self + go in public immediately + see how many people ask you when you are due

Breakfast Pizza

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Celebrity I connect with this week: Mariah Carey.

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That woman is TOO real. Like, she does not even try to be down to earth. I respect that.

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I heard on Entertainment Tonight that when she enters a restaurant she requires entrance music. GOALSSSSSS. It’s important to note that the entrance music she requires is her OWN. *faints with admiration*

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But her best quality is that she has a clause in all of her contracts stating that she cannot be photographed in fluorescent light. This is also a personal rule of mine yet I have not found anyone willing to enter into a contract with me where I can control this fully BUT I HOLD OUT HOPE. Look, Mariah & I are beautiful women, inside and out. But ain’t no one lookin’ cute in fluorescent light. NO. ONE. Mariah has done it right. She walks through fluorescent lit rooms with sunnies on at all times. I would do this, too, except people would mistake it for a cataract problem.

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Let us also have a moment of silence for the genius that is Glitter.

 

 

Time: 40 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 2 pizzas

Ingredients:

  • 2 pieces of naan
  • 1 cup of basil pesto, use this recipe
  • 1 pint of cherry tomatoes, rinsed + halved
  • 1/2 cup of mozzarella cheese, shredded
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 avocado, sliced
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Arrange naan on a lined baking sheet
  • Spread pesto evenly on naan
  • Top with tomatoes + some cheese
  • Crack 1 egg in the center of each naan
  • Bake for 15 or until egg is set
  • Top with fresh avocado + S+P
  • Lift pizza over head like a baby lion cub entering the world + have sweetie stab egg + let the yolk run all over you like a waterfall

Cauliflower Steak

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I went to college yesterday.

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Specifically, I went to my alma mater for a conference.

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Let me tell you, I was basically Grizabella in a ragged Cats costume belting “Memories” at the top of my lungs.

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I was just flooded with them! I walked around and stood in some of the spots that built me. Like the spot in the English building where I sat eating my umpteenth bagel of the day and saw Garrett for the first time and thought that he looked buff and mean. Or the spot I stood in when I told my friend I was going on a date with Garrett and she was like, “OMG no do not do that I went to high school with him & he is the worst!” And the spot on the quad I stood on after Garrett convinced me to be a delinquent, leave physics class and meet him for our first public smooch.

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One day there will be a plaque at that school commemorating this love story.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 6-8 steaks

Ingredients:

  • 2 heads of cauliflower
  • 2 limes
  • 1/4 cup of olive oil
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp. of honey
  • 1 tbsp. of paprika
  • 1 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • S+P, to taste
  • Rice for serving
  • Cilantro, for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400
  • Pull stem leaves of cauliflower off
  • Cut off one side of the cauliflower
  • Starting with this flat side, cut cauliflower into 1/2″ thick steaks
  • In a bowl, combine olive oil + garlic + honey + juice of 1 lime
  • In an other bowl, combine paprika + chili powder + cumin + zest of 1 lime + S+P
  • Arrange steaks on a lined baking sheet
  • Rub with olive oil + sprinkle with seasoning on both sides
  • Bake for 15 minutes
  • Flip steaks
  • Bake another 10-15 minutes or until golden brown to your desire
  • Serve over rice with cilantro + the remaining lime wedges
  • Lean head back + place cauliflower steak on face. You are now cauliflower steak man

 

Flavor combo idea from here!

http://www.thekitchn.com/recipe-chipotle-lime-grilled-cauliflower-steaks-recipes-from-the-kitchn-204490