Coconut + Apple Dal

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An army of cats is trying to kill me.

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Specifically, they are trying to break into my home, claw me to death & binge on my lifeless carcass.

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It’s the only reasonable explanation for why THEY ARE ALL OVER MY PROPERTY. (I sound like a 95-year-old grandpa when I use the word property)

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It’s a Tuesday, I’m working at my kitchen table like I do, staring into my peaceful, pine tree-lined backyard, when all of a sudden a slinky black cat appears on my porch. As a rule, I do not trust cats. I can never tell what they are thinking, what their motives are. They have a menacing hunch and glow in the dark eyes. Not kewl. This bro was no different. He started rubbing himself against the backdoor, whining for me to let him in. Not happening, sir. He comes back the next day, same story. Except this time he lingers. I let Topanga out to do her business, thinking she’ll scare the feline. No luck, of course Topanga is afraid of HIM. Day after that, bro brings a friend. Apparently, my porch is the happening place to be. Day 4, more reinforcements. A third cat arrives. This time, they use my house as a playground, just hanging on the rail while the original dude hops up on the roof, peering down at me through planning his attack.

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In a shocking turn of events, the ring leader showed up yesterday in a pink, floral collar so he’s obviously trying to woo me with fashion.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 1/2 cups of red lentils
  • 1 white onion, diced
  • 1 honey crisp apple, shredded on a grater
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of ground ginger
  • 1 can of coconut milk
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • 1 tsp. of cayenne pepper
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1/2 tsp. of turmeric
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro, for serving
  • Plain almond milk yogurt, for serving

How to:

  • Heat oil in a large stock pot over medium heat
  • Add cayenne pepper + cumin + turmeric, cook for 1-2 minutes
  • Add onion + S+P, cook for 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic + ginger, cook another minute
  • Add apple + lentils, stir to coat + cook 2 minutes
  • Add coconut milk + 2 1/2 cups of water, bring to a boil, reduce heat + simmer for 25 minutes
  • Stir in lime juice  + some S+P
  • Serve warm with cilantro + yogurt
  • Pour into a sippy cup + suckle on dal until belly is that of a chubby toddler

 

Recipe from here!

 

Savory Pancakes

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How can I continue wearing the Hostess with the Mostest crown in good conscience when I suck at entertaining?

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My dad came to visit for my 28th birthday.

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I don’t want a single Happy Birthday message from a one of ya, I mean it! We’re not acknowledging it.

fullsizeoutput_966I was so pumped for his visit. I couldn’t wait to just do all of the fun things with him. It wasn’t until I picked him up from the airport that I realized I had forgotten to plan literally anything for us to do. Like, not a THING on the agenda to entertain this man. After a quick panic attack, we talk about the possibilities over dinner and decide to just hang loose. Just kick back, hang and relax. And when all else fails, I pride myself on choosing excellent dining locales. So I didn’t plan any exciting outings, I can book a dinner reservation like a grand champion! We’re both feeling good about the next few days when our gyoza appetizer is served. Undercooked and untasty (not a word, but appropriate). An omen, if you will, for what would be the worst meals I ever forced a loved one to eat. It was horrendous. All my favorite local spots disappointed. Soggy shrimps, dry pork shanks, taste-less beef burritos – all of this was his, obviously. I had to take the man to dessert every night just to make up for it. I try to limit his sweets intake, but I had to go against my principles just to keep him nourished!fullsizeoutput_96e

He politely told me he would only be back if we dined exclusively at chain restaurants he was confident in.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 1/4 cups of all-purpose flour
  • 2 tsp. of baking powder
  • 1/4 cup of green onions, chopped
  • 2 tbsp. of chives, chopped
  • 1/2 tsp. of cumin
  • 1/2 tsp. of turmeric
  • 1 1/2 cups of unsweetened dairy free milk
  • 1/2 a tomato, diced
  • 4 cloves of garlic
  • 1 cup of plain almond milk yogurt
  • 5 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Place garlic cloves on a square of foil, drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + wrap up in the foil
  • Roast for 20-25 minutes
  • Once cooled, combine garlic + yogurt + 1 tbsp. of olive oil + S+P in a lil food processor + pulse until smooth
  • Refrigerate until ready to serve
  • Meanwhile, whisk together flour + baking powder + cumin + turmeric + herbs + S+P
  • Make a well in the center, add milk + 2 tbsp. of olive oil + tomato, combine well
  • Add remaining olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Scoop 1/2 cup of batter into the skillet + cook for about 3 minutes or until bubbles start to form, flip + cook another 3 minutes
  • Repeat with remaining batter
  • Serve warm with garlic whip
  • Gather pals + take to a park + play ultimate savory pancake, winner eats all

 

Adapted from here!

Tomatillo + Kiwi Salsa

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I am a Real Housewife of middle-class, suburban North Carolina.

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Thanks, in part, to the bougie weekend I just had.

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I was in Florida for a bachelorette party and I felt like I was living the life of the rich and the famous.

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We were in a super dope house in a ritzy neighborhood and there was this mega-ginormous pool with this crazy water fountain like out of that pivotal scene in Clueless. Then a party bus came to pick us up and cart us around all evening. I don’t know much about their salaries, but my guess is that party bus drivers are grossly underpaid. They have to drive dozens of screaming girls around into the wee hours of the night without any sort of libation to ease the headache. They have to listen to someone else’s blaring music (there was a lot of O-Town and Leann Rhimes’ version of “The Rose”) without saying a peep. These guys are saints! Saturday we had a PRIVATE SUSHI CHEF come to the house and cook for us all night. The spread he made! I sat back, eating my 18th piece of a vegan roll topped with lemon zest, just taking it all in and realized, “I am meant to be wealthy and do this all the time.”

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And that is how I became inspired to ask Garrett to consider taking a second job.

 

 

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: a big ole tub of salsa

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. of tomatillos, rinsed + quartered
  • 1 kiwi, peeled + sliced thin
  • 1/2 red onion, diced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1/2 cup of cilantro, chopped
  • Juice of 1 lime
  • Pinch of sugar
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Chips for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven’s broiler
  • Arrange tomatillos on a baking sheet + drizzle with olive oil
  • Broil for 10-15 minutes, checking every two to three to make sure they aren’t browning too quickly, remove once browned to your desire
  • While tomatillos cool, place kiwi + onion + jalapeno + cilantro + lime + sugar + some S+P in a food processor, pulse until combined but still chunky
  • Add tomatillos + puree again until it’s the consistency you desire, adjust seasoning to taste
  • Chill for a couple of hours
  • Serve chilled or room temp with chips
  • Dunk face into salsa + let kiwi + tomatillo nutrients nourish your crackling skin

 

Adapted from here!