Tempeh Chili

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I may or may not be a psychopath.

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At least according to my adoring husband.

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I don’t exhibit the normal characteristics of a psychopath, but apparently this one habit of mine is so abhorrent it automatically classifies me as such.

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I eat my oatmeal plain. No cinnamon or brown sugar, certainly no raisins. I flirt with blueberries occasionally, but even they alter the experience. I do add some nuts when I’m eating the complimentary breakfast at the Hampton Inns, just to not scare the other patrons. It is the true highlight of my day. Nothing brings me more satisfaction than sitting down at my dining table with a piping hot bowl of stick to your ribs plain as the day is long oatmeal. I’m sorry, I can’t help that oats are pure in nature and need no refining, but apparently this is not normal? Garrett is literally so appalled by this, he tells everyone he comes in contact with that he’s married to a psychopath who eats her oatmeal plain. He’s obviously so in love.

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Tbh I’ve been called worse, so I’m just rolling with it.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4

Ingredients:

  • 1 package of tempeh
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1 red bell pepper, diced
  • 1 can of diced tomatoes
  • 1 can of green chiles
  • 1 can of black beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 can of pinto beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 can of kidney beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 can of hominy, drained
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tbsp. of chipotle chili powder
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro, for serving
  • Avocado, for serving

How to:

  • Heat oil in a large stock pot over medium heat
  • Add onion, cook 3 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Crumble in tempeh, cook for 5-6 minutes or until starts to slightly brown
  • Add jalapeno + red pepper + some S+P, cook for 2-3 minutes
  • Add 1-2 cups of water (depending on how brothy you like your ish) + tomatoes + chiles + beans + hominy + chipotle chili powder + cumin + crushed red pepper + S+P
  • Bring to a boil, reduce heat, simmer for 30-40 minutes
  • Serve hot with cilantro + avocado
  • Locate giant straw + plop into bowl + slurp down chili, accelerating the nutrients entering your bloodstream

Chili + Cheese Cauli Tots

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Working from home has afforded me the opportunity to really get to know my neighbors.

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From afar. I’ve never introduced myself to any of them – far too shy and they’d all hate me, I’m sure.

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So I was really happy for my neighbor when she got a new car last week. What an exciting time!

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A couple of days later I noticed the car was a different color. I sat on this for a while and thought: A) they painted it B) they traded it in for a different color C) I’m out of my mind and it was always light gray not dark gray. Finally, I realize I haven’t seen the husband’s car in a while. Interesting. What a mystery. Until I look out the window one morning, and there in the driveway sit two, IDENTICAL, brand new cars – one light gray, one dark gray. They got matching cars! Within days of each other!!! I’m not judging here, I’ve just never seen this before! A couple of additional theories: A) Their love is on another level & they thoroughly enjoy matching B) They got a 2-for-1 deal 3) They are doomsday preppers and it’s more economical to stock up on identical car parts.

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Moral of the story: I need a life.

 

 

Time: 2 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

Tots-

  • 1 head of cauliflower, cleaned + chopped into florets
  • 1 cup of panko breadcrumbs
  • 1/2 a yellow onion, chopped
  • 3 tbsp. of nutritional yeast
  • 2 tbsp. of ground flaxseed meal
  • 2 tbsp. of cilantro
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Vegan butter, for coating your baking sheet

Chili-

  • 1 yellow onion, diced
  • 1 jalapeno, diced
  • 1 red bell pepper, diced
  • 1 cup of cooked lentils
  • 1 cup of cooked red beans
  • 3 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tsp. of smoked paprika
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of oregano
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • 1 can of diced tomatoes
  • 2 tbsp. of tomato paste
  • 2 tsp. of apple cider vinegar
  • 2 tbsp. of sriracha
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste

Cheese-

  • 1/4 cup of cashews, soaked in water overnight + rinsed before using
  • 1 russet potato, chopped
  • 1 carrot, chopped
  • 3 tbsp. of nutritional yeast
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • 1/2 tsp. of white wine vinegar
  • 1 tbsp. of sriracha
  • 1 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1/4 cup of water
  • S+P, to taste

Toppings-

  • Cilantro
  • Tomatoes

How to:

  • To make the cheese, add potato + carrot to a pot + cover with water
  • Bring to a boil, reduce heat + simmer for 15 minutes
  • Add the drained potato + carrot + all other cheese ingredients to a food processor
  • Combine until smooth + drizzleable (new word), set aside
  • Now, preheat oven to 400 degrees + grease baking sheet with vegan butter
  • Add cauliflower to a food processor, pulse until riced
  • Add remaining tot ingredients (except the butter), + pulse until all combined
  • Scoop out a lil with a cookie scoop + form into tots, arrange on baking sheet
  • Bake these lil guys for 10 minutes, turn over + bake another 10 minutes
  • While tots bake, make your chili!
  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add jalapeno + red pepper + S+P, cook another 3-4 minutes
  • Add chili powder + smoked paprika + cumin + oregano + crushed red pepper + S+P
  • Add diced tomatoes + bring to a simmer
  • Add tomato paste + lentils + red beans, smash with the back of a fork
  • Add vinegar + sriracha, cook another 10 minutes
  • To serve, arrange your tots in a dish + top with chili + cheese + more tots + top with cilantro + tomatoes
  • Pretend you are at a drive-in wearing your sweatpants + listening to some early 2000’s top hits while stuffing your face with this

 

Chili + cheese from Oh She Glows! Tots adapted from here!

 

White Bean + Soyrizo Chili

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I wish I was an effortlessly kewl female.

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I am a lot of adjectives, but effortless is not one of them.

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Have you read the Rolling Stone article on Adele? Add it to your bucket list, please. After I read it, I just sat there. Staring into the abyss that is my living room wondering why I am not more like her. She is so freaking cool I can barely stand it.

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She doesn’t even try. She doesn’t have to. She wakes up each day & just IS that cool of a chick. How does one get there? How do I get there? I seek guidance here. It currently takes an embarrassing amount of effort for me to do anything resembling cool. You like my blog? You can’t imagine how much I agonize over every detail of this stupid thing. Oh I’m good at my work? I happen to second guess every decision I ever make. I sound like a fun wife? I cry 89% of the time & whine every evening after work until we fall asleep. (Perhaps no one ever said I was a fun wife but ya know)

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K so I’m not going to be effortlessly kewl any time soon, but I am hella talented with a crock pot!

 

Time: 9 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-5

Ingredients:

  • 2 cans of cannellini beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1 package of soyrizo, cooked
  • 1 lb. of baby potatoes, chopped
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 1 red pepper, chopped
  • 2 jalapenos, chopped
  • 4-5 cups of vegetable stock
  • 1 1/2 tbsp. of chili powder
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro, for serving
  • Tortilla chips, for serving

How to:

  • Throw all ingredients into crockpot (minus cilantro + chips, obvi)
  • Cook on low for 8 hours
  • Serve hot
  • Put bowl on the floor + lap up like a mutt