Cauli Rice Lettuce Wraps

I’m not trying to brag or anything…

…But our pediatrician says Louisa is advanced.

I mean, only in physical strength which she got entirely from her father, but I’ll take it.

This baby will literally fight us when she doesn’t want to be held or go to sleep. Like contorts her body HARD to try and wriggle away. She also rolls. Only from belly to back so far, but STILL. My personal favorite trick is her bassinet work. She squirms her way to sides so she can press her face as hard as she possibly can against the mesh. And as of last night, she has learned to do full 360s! Like, I put her down facing one way. Wake up in the middle of the night and she’s the other way. Wake up in the morning & we’re back to square one. We’re skipping walking and potty training entirely and going straight to the Olympics.

One day I’ll get a life & stop talking about my baby.

Time: 45 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 yellow onion, diced
  • 1/2 lb. of shiitake mushrooms, chopped
  • 2 cups of riced cauliflower
  • 1 can of chickpeas, rinsed + drained
  • 3 tbsp. of soy sauce
  • 2 tbsp. of rice vinegar
  • 1 heaping tbsp. of peanut butter
  • 1 tbsp. of sriracha
  • 1 tsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 tsp. of ground ginger
  • 1/2 tsp. of Chinese five-spice
  • Green onions, for serving
  • Romaine hearts, for serving
  • 2 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Heat olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook for 3-4 minutes
  • Add mushrooms + cauliflower rice + chickpeas, cook another 5-6 minutes
  • In a bowl, combine soy sauce + rice vinegar + peanut butter + sriracha + garlic + ginger + five-spice
  • Pour into veggies + cook another 5-6 minutes
  • To serve, scoop some into a lettuce heart + repeat
  • Motor these lil tugboats right into your pie hole

Roasted Apple + Walnut Salad

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I had an outrageous spending problem in college. My crop top addiction forced me to online shop daily. I think I single-handedly kept Forever 21 in business in 2012.

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When I finally started making a little bit of real money, I became one of those A&E Hoarders. I just stopped spending cold turkey & started stuffing dollar bills in the floorboards.

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I can’t shake my cheap skate ways. I check the bank account daily & it grinds my gears whenever I see that Garrett has bought coffee.

“Why do you need a $6 cup of coffee?”

“I bought my friend a cup, too.”

“Wow did we open up a soup kitchen & you forgot to tell me or????”

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I’m also about to shut off our cable. Like, why am I paying $100 a month for 3 golf channels? I only watch the Food Network anyways. I’m honestly not sure how many more times I can see Ina make her own cheese out of thin air. She’s gotta have little colonial women churning butter in the living room or something.

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I’m eating this salad in one of my old crop tops & trying to figure out why I ever paid more money for half a shirt???

 

Time: 25 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 2

Ingredients:

  • 1 granny smith apple, sliced thin
  • 3/4 cup of walnuts, chopped
  • 1 tsp. of honey
  • 1/2 cup of dried cranberries
  • 4-6 cups of packed lettuce or spinach
  • 1/2 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • S+P, to taste
  • Balsamic vinaigrette, to taste
  • Mozzarella cheese shavings, for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 375 degrees
  • In a bowl, combine apple + walnuts + honey + olive oil + S+P + crushed red pepper
  • Lay in an even layer on a lined baking sheet
  • Roast for 6-8 minutes, don’t burn the nuts!
  • In a bowl, combine lettuce + roasted apple mix + cranberries + S+P + balsamic vinaigrette
  • Serve with mozzarella shavings
  • Shimmy all night because you are healthy!

 

Buffalo Cauliflower Lettuce Wraps

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The Bachelor/Bachelorette series has been a constant source of comfort in my young adult years & I don’t plan to change my ways until there are 0 roses left on the planet.

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Honestly, what’s not to love? It’s romantic, reality, comedic GENIUS.

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I don’t know why it’s referred to as a guilty pleasure. It brings me infinite pleasure & I feel absolutely no guilt.

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If I wasn’t married, I think I could really excel on this show. AT LEAST make it to home towns. Not because I’m cute, I’d just make up some unique sob story forcing the producers to make him keep me around for as long as he could stand me.

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I also feel 0 guilt about these wraps because they’re so healthy it’s stupid.

 

Time: 50 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 6 lettuce wraps

Ingredients:

  • 1 head of cauliflower, cut in small florets
  • 6 hearts of romaine
  • 1 red onion, diced
  • 6-8 oz. of buffalo or wing sauce
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Cilantro, for serving
  • Feta, for serving
  • Avocado crema, for serving (recipe here)
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  • In a bowl, combine cauliflower + 2 tbsp. of buffalo sauce + olive oil + S+P
  • Lay cauliflower on a lined baking sheet + roast for 20 minutes
  • Remove cauliflower from oven + pour another 2-3 tbsp. of buffalo sauce on + roast for another 20 minutes
  • Remove from oven & add cauliflower back to the bowl, add remaining buffalo sauce
  • Add cauliflower to a romaine heart + add red onion + cilantro + feta + crema
  • Eat a sweet treat after cause this is effing healthy & you earned it