Broccoli + Grain Salad

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Reason 23,085 I’m not meant to live in the south: my daggum ‘do can’t take it.

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The combination of humidity and high winds does truly unspeakable things to my hair.

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We went to Charleston for the weekend and they were having tornado-like winds the whole time. Ya girl had her hair up IN A PONYTAIL. Tragic!!!!

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Apart from the hair debacle, we had a delightful time. We frolicked and explored and took in some sights and only a few folks did double takes at what the heck was atop my head (my messy bun frightens people). Charleston’s food scene is pretty dope and I ate like a right queen. Garr & I are high key obsessed with Netflix’s Chef’s Table and have been jonesing to visit one of the featured restaurants. We finally checked that off the bucket list this weekend and it was just superb. They made me a vegan entree without any hassles and it was basically just a bunch of side dishes but we all know that’s the best part of the meal anyways. G must have had a stroke or something when he placed his order because he chose snapper and he doesn’t like seafood?¿ It was swimming in a lil broth and it reminded him of a time he was camping and surviving off the land and he and his pals had the great idea to boil a fish they caught in a stew they were making and it turned gray and tasted like dirt. So, slightly different experiences.

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We ended the evening at a hot pink champagne & caviar bar & I decided then & there that I simply MUST have such a room in my next home.

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup of red lentils, uncooked
  • 1/2 cup of quinoa, uncooked
  • 1/2 cup of barley, uncooked
  • 2 heads of broccoli, washed + cut into florets
  • 1/2 a red onion, sliced thin
  • 1/2 cup of almonds, toasted + chopped
  • 1/4 cup of pomegranate seeds
  • 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar
  • 1/2 tbsp. of sugar
  • 1/4 cup + 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Juice + zest of 1/2 a lemon
  • 1/2 tsp. of dijon mustard
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Add onions to a jar or bowl, top with apple cider vinegar + sugar + 1 tsp. of S + 1 cup of warm water, cover + refrigerate until you’re ready to serve
  • Cook grains according to package directions, drain + set aside
  • Arrange broccoli on a lined baking sheet, drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Roast for 25 minutes, tossing once
  • Meanwhile, combine remaining olive oil + lemon juice + zest + dijon + S+P
  • To serve, combine grains + broccoli + pickled red onions (minus their juice) + almonds + pomegranate seeds + dressing
  • Serve warm, room temp or chilled
  • Place self in a high chair + feed self with hands like lil doll baby you are

 

Cauliflower Soup

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Am I the last human on planet earth who enjoys grocery shopping?

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I’ve certainly gotta be the last millennial to write out a grocery list on PAPER and spend my precious time physically walking through a store picking out my own groceries using the dangly limbs hanging off of my body.

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I just find it so therapeutic. Moseying through the aisles armed with my re-usable produce bags and a plan. It’s thrilling.

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Errbody be doing these apps where the grocery store peeps bag the groceries and bring them to the cart for them. Perhaps it’s my deep-rooted trust issues, but I could never allow a stranger to pick out my produce! First, there is the issue of hygiene. I’m sure the grocery store employs fine, showered people, but I just can’t be sure those mitts are clean. Also, do these apps allow you to apply notes with your selections? Like, if I need 8 avocados, can I specify I need 2 super ripe ones and 6 others that are like straight from the tree? Are they required to consult the expiration dates or do they pass the slightly fuzzy berries on the app shoppers? Once they bring the food to my car, do I get to squeeze and sniff all of it before I’m stuck with it? I can’t be expected to drive off with any ‘ole avocado! I just have a lot of questions.

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Though I would avoid debacles like this weekend when I left a bag full of onions and eggplants at the checkout, got home, threw away the receipt, took out the trash and THEN realized I did not have said onions and eggplants.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 2 heads of cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 4 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 4 tbsp. of olive oil + more for serving (if desired)
  • 1/4 cup of capers, patted dry
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste
  • Cilantro for serving

How to:

  • Preheat broiler
  • Arrange cauliflower on two lined baking sheets + drizzle each with a tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P
  • Place on the middle oven rack + broil for 20 minutes
  • Meanwhile, heat another tbsp. of olive oil in a stock pot over medium heat
  • Add onion, cook 4-5 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add all but a lil bit of the cauliflower (this is to top your soups with + give a lil texture), toss + cook for 2 minutes
  • Add 6 cups of water + crushed red pepper + S+P, bring to a boil, lower heat + simmer for 30 minutes
  • Meanwhile, heat remaining olive oil in a lil skillet over medium heat
  • Add the dry capers + cook for 2-3 minutes, remove + let cool
  • Turn soup off heat + blend with an immersion blender until smooth + creamy
  • Serve warm with cauliflower bits + capers + cilantro + a lil extra oil if desired
  • Slurp this puppy down + lick the bowl clean like the filthy mongrel you really are

Lentil Loaf

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I wish you all could be in my kitchen with me on blog meal making days.

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My husband would strongly advise against it, but I think it would really give you a glimpse at the real ~me~.

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It’s basically just a lot of organized chaos minus any semblance of organization.

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I’m such a neat and tidy person in all other areas of my life. But when the weekend rolls around and I step into my kitchen ready to do WORK, all rules fly out the window. First of all, I look reallllyyyyy cute while cooking. My best sweats are on, hair on top of my head, and I’ve found wiping food on my clothes vs. a rag or paper towel is highly efficient and better for the environment. Beyond that, there is food on every surface, cutting boards all over the place, pots & pans are bubbling and occasionally overflowing, and a perfect trail of crumbs will lead you from the kitchen to my photo station every daggum time. I’m a monster! There is no such thing as cleaning as you go in these circumstances. It’s all about survival. Garrett has literally had to start busying himself while I’m working on recipes. Like, leave the house. He cannot handle the leaning tower of dirty dishes I construct in record breaking times.

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Once it’s safe for Garrett to return home, I always tell him what I’ve made and without fail his response is, “OMG, that sounds disgusting, when can I put it in my mouth?”

 

 

Time: 2 hours (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup of dry lentils, rinsed
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 1 carrot, peeled + sliced thin
  • 2 celery sticks, sliced thin
  • 1 red bell pepper, diced
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1/2 cup of breadcrumbs
  • 1/2 cup of rolled oats
  • 2 tbsp. of tomato paste
  • 1 tbsp. of BBQ sauce
  • 1 tbsp. of soy sauce
  • 2 tbsp. of fresh parsley
  • 1 tbsp. of crushed red pepper
  • 1 tsp. of cumin
  • 1 tsp. of oregano
  • 1 tsp. of ranch seasoning
  • 1 tsp. of chipotle chili powder
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Ketchup

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  • Cook lentils according to package directions, drain
  • Meanwhile, heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add carrots + celery + red bell pepper + S+P, cook another 4-5 minutes
  • In a food processor, combine lentils + sauteed veggies + breadcrumbs + oats + tomato paste + BBQ sauce + soy sauce + parsley + crushed red pepper + cumin + oregano + ranch seasoning + chipotle chili powder, process until well combined
  • Spray a loaf pan with nonstick seasoning
  • Spread your lentil mix in an even layer in the loaf pan
  • Bake 40 minutes
  • Spread with some ketchup + bake for another 10 minutes
  • Serve hot w/ favie sides
  •  If feeling full of sorrow, feel empowered to drown them in as many helpings of lentil loaf it takes to feel happy + whole

 

Recipe adapted from here!