Quinoa + White Bean Puttanesca

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A thing I thoroughly enjoy is going to the movies.

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I really only do it like once in a blue moon.

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For one, it’s like $173 to catch a flick. For two, my husband hates going to the movies because it requires his full attention and complete stillness for two hours.

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My dad knows this truth and uses it to his dark advantages. Using voodoo magic and witchcraft, he convinces me to go see John Wick 3 with him while I was home last week. Obviously this is not a storyline I’m remotely interested in, but I wanted the movie-going experience and the fellowship with my father. Seeing as the last two movies I’ve seen have been in local, nonprofit theaters, I was overwhelmed upon entering a real multiplex. The sights, the smells. It’s truly thrilling! Although we’d just consumed our weight in chips and salsa, pops insists on a cola and popcorn. I’m appalled at his appetite. I’m all, “How can you eat anything else?!” He’s all, “Oh, please. It’s a part of the experience! What would you like?” I’m like, “Eww I don’t want anything…..but if I did, I’d want some chocolate.” He steps up to the counter and orders a triple play – popcorn, soda and a candy. He turns to me and says it’s my job to choose the candy. I panic! The choices are practically endless. Nothing is vegan. The line behind me is growing. I scream, “BUNCHA CRUNCH!!!” I’ve never seen my dad more disappointed in me in my entire life.

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Of course, I ate all of the nasty candy mixed with bites of popcorn (gotta have that salty & sweet bite, ya know) and I almost walked out of John Wick after he gouged a man’s eye out in the first 10 minutes.

 

 

Time: 40 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 red onion, diced
  • 2 tbsp. of garlic, minced
  • 1 can of diced tomatoes
  • 1 can of cannellini beans, rinsed + drained
  • 1/2 cup of roasted red peppers, chopped
  • 1 pint of grape tomatoes, halved
  • 1 cup of spinach, packed
  • 2 tbsp. of capers, drained
  • 1/2 cup of basil, chiffonaded
  • 1 cup of quinoa, cooked
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • 1 tsp. of crushed red pepper
  • S+P, to taste

How to:

  • Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat
  • Add onion + S+P, cook 3-4 minutes
  • Add garlic, cook another minute
  • Add the beans, cook for 5 minutes
  • Add the diced tomatoes, bring to a simmer, reduce heat back to medium
  • Stir in peppers + tomatoes + capers, simmer another 5 minutes
  • Add spinach + basil + crushed red pepper + S+P, simmer 2 more minutes
  • Turn off heat + stir in cooked quinoa
  • Serve warm (or chilled – tastes great the next day)
  • Using a spoon as your slingshot, fling some of this food into your sweetie’s mouth + have him/her return the favor until you’re both fat + happy + covered in food

 

 

Adapted from here!

Vegan Carbonara

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Why errbody be hating on sweet baby Archie’s name?

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Do I hope he turns out to be a redheaded high school star athlete and also the lead singer of a self-named band with all of his pals? Absolutely.

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Personally, I live for old people names. The older the better. Like, Mildred? INTO IT.

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Like, I’m sorry. They can’t name him Joe. This baby was in People magazine while in utero more times than I will be in all of my life. Like, he isn’t a commoner. He needs a name that makes a statement. I also love the family initials are HAM now. V royal. What must it be like for sweet little Megan? It would have been dope if she really broke from tradition and refused to do that archaic walk-out 2 hours after birth in full hair, makeup and heels. Like, Meg, we know you have a diaper on under that dress. We want you to rest. We all understand. They’d have to roll me out on a gurney. I’d do my princess wave horizontally.

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This has infected me so much I dreamt I named a child Roger.

 

 

Time: 1 hour (prep + cooking) | Serves: 4-6

Ingredients:

  • 1 package of spaghetti
  • 1-1.5 cups of shiitake mushrooms, sliced
  • 1 package of firm tofu, water drained from tofu
  • 1/2 cup of unflavored dairy free milk
  • 1/2 cup of nutritional yeast
  • Juice of 1/2 a lemon
  • 1 tbsp. of tahini
  • 1 tsp. of turmeric
  • 1 tbsp. of smoked paprika
  • S+P, to taste
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Parsley, for serving

How to:

  • In a bowl, combine shiitake + smoked paprika + S+P
  • Heat olive oil in a skillet over medium heat
  • Add mushrooms, cook 5-6 minutes
  • In a food processor, combine tofu + milk + nutritional yeast + lemon juice + tahini + turmeric + S+P, process until smooth
  • Meanwhile, cook pasta to al denta
  • Add sauce to drained pasta pot, cook for 2-3 minutes
  • Add pasta + mushrooms into the pot, coat + warm for another minute, add some S+P, to taste
  • Serve warm with parsley

 

Adapted from here!

 

Spring Pasta Salad

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I have the music in me.

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In that, it’s trapped inside of me & I can’t help but belt tunes at the top of my lungs at all hours of the day despite sharing walls with neighbors.

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So I’m channeling my energy into a new hobby: I am going to teach myself to play the guitar.

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Turns out it’s like really difficult. I was trying to learn some v basic chords the other day and thought I was going to break my fingers. I went to yoga the next morning and my left hand cramped so badly I almost collapsed. Is this normal? Anyways, I really suck. First, my guitar needs to be tuned. Having less than no experience, I do not know how to fix this on my own. I just keep twisting the knobby things and plucking and I stop when my ears stop bleeding. Second, I think I should chop off my fingernails??? They seem to inhibit me. Third, I need a kewl strap and a microphone stand so I can stand in front of the mirror and strum while performing for myself. This is all I really want to do tbh. Put on concerts for myself and keep the delusion alive that I am jam packed full of hidden talent and at any moment an agent will walk into my bedroom (if this happened, I should prob be concerned for my safety) and whisk me to Hollywood and I will grace the cover of a couple of major magazines and have a sitcom written around my life. I digress.

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If all else fails, I’ll just dramatically bust the guitar and crowd surf off the stage and into my imaginary audience.

 

 

Time: 30 minutes (prep + cooking) | Serves: 3-4

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup of pasta
  • 1 can of chickpeas, rinsed + drained
  • 1 english cucumber, sliced thin
  • 6 mini sweet peppers, sliced thin
  • 8 mini multi-colored carrots, sliced thin
  • 3 radishes, peeled + sliced thin
  • 4 cups of arugula
  • 5 tbsp. of olive oil
  • Juice of 1 lemon
  • 1 tsp. of dijon mustard
  • 1 tsp. of agave
  • S+P, to taste
  • Hemp seeds, for serving

How to:

  • Preheat oven to 400 degrees
  • Arrange chickpeas on a lined baking sheet, bake 15 minutes
  • Remove from oven + drizzle with 1 tbsp. of olive oil + some S+P, bake another 15 minutes
  • Meanwhile, cook pasta to al dente, drain
  • Meanwhile, meanwhile, whisk together remaining olive oil + lemon juice + dijon + agave + S+P
  • To serve, combine arugula + pasta + chickpeas + cucumber + peppers + carrots + radishes + drizzle with vinaigrette
  • Serve chilled or room temp
  • Take a small broom + brush plate contents into mouth to avoid leaving any crumbs behind

 

Adapted from here!